


If Pining Boyf Riends Had A Soundtrack This Would Be It

by Michaelinthebathroomeatingsourcream



Series: BE MORE FUCKING CHILL SHIT FOR THE WHOLE FAM FUCKERS [6]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Abusive Parent, As you can probably tell I like writing song based fics, Filthy Frank references, I'll tag as I go, I'm also really bad at titles so I'm sorry, Jeremy and Michael are lizard dads, Jesus Christ help these boys, M/M, Mentions of self-harm, Michael and Jeremy are both on the spectrum, Michael has great parents, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Pining, and tagging, it takes place pre-SQUIP and post-SQUIP, jeremys dad is also the best, let Michael has amazing parents 2k17, like bless Jeremy's dad, like so much fucking pining, lizard dads, not really - Freeform, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-08 21:13:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 38,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11090043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Michaelinthebathroomeatingsourcream/pseuds/Michaelinthebathroomeatingsourcream
Summary: The other boy had these nice lips that looked soft and oh so kissable and-Wait...What...Did he actually think that about Jeremy? His player two. His best friend since kindergarten. Did he actually want to kiss him?





	1. Absolutely Smitten

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be 800 words... Whoops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boy right there yes he's the one! With Cupids arrow in his bum!

Absolutely Smitten- Dodie

It started back in the 8th grade when Michael was playing Smash Brothers Melee with his best friend Jeremy. They had been playing for hours and Jeremy had not won a single round. Usually Jeremy was a good sport (it was Michael who turned into a whiny little bitch if he wasn't winning), but after about three hours of playing and going through all the characters twice Jeremy had honestly had enough. 

"C'mon are you fucking kidding me?!?!" The taller boy yelled when Michael kicked his Kirby off with fifth time that round. Michael snickered. 

"Don't hate the player man," He said as turned to look at his best friend. "hate the game." Jeremy rolled his eyes. 

"You have to be cheating somehow! Not even you are that good!" Jeremy screeched. Michael put a hand on his chest in an offended manner. 

"I'm hurt Jeremiah! You don't think that I'm good? How dare you say that!" He exclaimed dramatically. "And to accuse me of cheating of too?! Do our nine years of friendship mean nothing to you?!" Jeremy snorted. 

"I have a headache, can we take a break?" He asked. Michael nodded as he paused the game. 

"What do you want to do? I think my mom just bought a bunch baking stuff so we would bake something." Jeremy's expression instantly brightened up. 

"Can we make some of those lemon bars again?" He asked. 

"Hell yeah!" Michael exclaimed as he hopped up out of his bean bag chair. Jeremy's smile grew ten fold. 

"Yay!" Jeremy yelled, practically beaming. Something about his best friends expression made Michael begin to feel... Well he wasn't sure what he was feeling, he would describe it as something fluttering in the pit of his stomach... Maybe he was just hungry? Yeah that had to be it. 

Jeremy and Michael raced each other up the stairs and into the kitchen. Since Jeremy had longer legs than Michael he beat him by a few seconds. The taller boy did a victory dance as soon as he slid into the kitchen. Michael couldn't help thinking about how dorky and adorable it was. Another fluttering feeling in his stomach. 

"I'm hungry as shit so can we speed bake?" He asked as began to pull up the recipe on his phone. 

"Of course." Jeremy followed his lead and pulled out the utensils they would need. 

"Do you want me to turn on some music?" Michael asked as he pulled up his music app. Jeremy rolled his eyes. 

"Why are you even asking? You're going to even if I say no." He dead-panned. Michael raised an eyebrow. 

"Are you saying no?" The taller boy scoffed as he opened the fridge. 

"Of course not man, I love your music!" Another flutter. God, he must be starving. Michael smiled at the other boy. 

"Thanks man." He said, only slightly aware of the blush on his cheeks. He scrolled for a bit before deciding on a playlist of his favorite songs from 80's. Purple Rain by Prince came through his speakers. Jeremy smile widened even more, Michael couldn't stop think about how pretty the other boys smile was. 

"I love Prince." He said. 

"I know." He replied. Michael remembered back when they were little how Jeremy's dad would sing Prince songs as he made them breakfast every other Saturday morning (they used to spend the night at each other's houses every weekend). 

The duo sang along with the songs as they quickly baked the lemon bars. Michael noticed five things about his player two as they did this. 

5: Jeremy had a certain expression whenever a song he liked came on. His grin would grow and he would glance at Michael as if to say 'thanks for playing this'. 

4: His best friend knew all the words to Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley 

3: the boy could not dance for the life of him. But that was okay because Michael thought his dorky dances were incredibly adorable. 

2: He snorted when he laughed. 

1: Jeremy Heere was really fucking pretty. Like Michael was having a hard time looking away kinda pretty. But he wasn't gay for thinking that. Right? 

As they put the bars into the oven as familiar voice came through the speakers. Jeremy gasped. 

"Michael!" He said as he grabbed the shorter boy's hand. Michael felt heat in his cheeks. "You have to dance with me!" Michael rolled his eyes and snorted. 

"I'm not dancing with you." He said, never pulling his hand away tho. He couldn't. Jeremey gasped again (more dramatically this time). 

"Michael Mell are you saying no to Whitney?! You know the rules! Never say no to Whitney!" Jeremy exclaimed. Michael rolled his eyes again. Then Jeremy did something that made Michael feel like he was going to fucking melt. Jeremy Heere fucking pouted. The fluttering was now not only his stomach but also in his chest. 

Jesus Christ what was wrong with him? 

"Fine!" He surrendered. Jeremy fucking beamed. He looked like Michael had just given him a new puppy. Jeremy let go of his hand and ran to Michael's phone to rewind the song, then ran back and grabbed both of his hands again. 

What Jeremy meant by dancing was them bouncing around the kitchen while screaming along with Whitney Houston. 

"OH I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY!" They yelled together, both of them trying to control their laughter. "WITH SOMEBODY WHO LOVES ME!" When the song faded out Michael looked at Jeremy. 

"You do realize we're acting like a bunch of girls?" He asked. 

"Oh absolutely, but I'm okay with it." Jeremy looked him straight in the eyes. "Like I know I'm a little girly sometimes and my dad says it's okay. He says everyones a little girly and a little manly no matter what your gender is." 

"I think I agree with your dad." Michael said. Jeremy's eyes flickered to the ground. 

"My mom doesn't agree with him." Jeremy whispered. His mom was a touchy subject and when brought up it always made him sad. Michael press's their foreheads together. 

"Hey," Michael whispered to him. "We don't talk about things that make us sad, remember?" Jeremy nodded and his smile slowly grew back. The other boy had these nice lips that looked soft and oh so kissable and-

Wait... 

What...

Did he actually think that about Jeremy? His player two. His best friend since kindergarten. Did he actually want to kiss him? 

The answer was so simple and obvious but it made Michael want to cry. 

Yes he did. 

Oh Jesus Christ he really wanted to kiss Jeremy Heere. 

Michael quickly dropped Jeremy's hands (almost as if they would burn him) and took a few steps back. 

"I have to go to the bathroom!" He exclaimed as he ran to the restroom. As soon as he locked the door behind him he slid against the wall and buried his face into his hands.

No. No! NO. NO! Please god no! 

He couldn't breathe. He was going to cry. He was going to puke. He was- He was-He was going to have a panic attack if he didn't calm the fuck down. 

"In through the nose, out through the mouth." He whispered to himself as he preformed the actions. "Just breathe." 

Okay, he just needed to accept the facts. He began asking himself questions. 

Had he ever had a crush on a girl? 

No. 

Had he ever wanted to kiss a girl? 

Nope. 

Had he ever been attracted to a girl? 

No. 

Had he ever had a crush on a boy?

He was pretty sure he had one now. 

Had he ever wanted to kiss a boy? 

Just five seconds ago. And there was this one time when he almost kiss Richard Goranski under the slide in fifth grade because he gave him his cookie. 

Had he ever been attracted to boys? 

Well there was Rich, Jake Dillinger, Marcus Smith, James Middleton, Sammy Andrews, Danny Andrews, Evan Han- 

Holy shit. 

Holy shit he was gay. 

Michael Mell laughed at his own pitiful situation. Of course he would realize that he's gay while having a panic attack in a bathroom with the said boy that made him realize that he was gay standing in his kitchen. 

Jeremy Heere. 

Jeremy Heere his best friend. 

His best friend. 

His best friend since kindergarten. 

His best friend that had been with him through everything. 

His best friend that whispered to him that everything was going to be alright when he was having panic attacks. 

His best friend who distracted him from sensory overload by telling the absolute worst puns you could imagine. 

His best friend who bought him a leopard gecko because he had an obsession with them since the 3rd grade (side note: Michael had three lizards! He had a bearded dragon named Karen which he's had since he was four, a crested gecko named Janet, and his leopard gecko was named Frank). 

His best friend who he was absolutely smittend with. 

Michael laughed a bit. Of course this would happen to him. 

He had a crush on his best friend...

Oh shit, how would he ever tell him? 

Panic began rising up in him again. He could ruin everything between them. Every worse case scenario was running through his mind. Jeremy would be disgusted with him and he would leave him and Michael would be alone and-and-and- 

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. 

"Michael are you okay?" Jeremy asked. His voice was soft and quiet, the way it was whenever he had panic attacks. 

"I'm fi-" Michael cut himself off. "No I'm not." He said instead. 

"Can I come in?" Jeremy asked quietly. Michael leaned forward and unlocked the door. Jeremy shuffled in. "Do you want me to close it?" Michael nodded. The other boy closed the door and slid down next to him. 

Silence. 

Silence. 

Silence. 

"I'm here when you're ready to talk." Jeremy said quietly. Michael bit his lip. 

Silence. 

Silence. 

Silence. 

He had to tell him. Jeremy deserved to know. If he didn't feel the same they would figure it out. He needed to tell him. Michael took a deep breath. 

"I'm gay." He whispered. 

"Oh." 

"Yeah..." Jeremy turned to look at the boy sitting next to him. 

"I mean I've known for a while now but-" Michael slammed his hands down on the bathroom tile. 

"What the fuck do you mean you've known for a while now?!" He screeched, his voice cracking throughout the sentence. "I like just figured it out!" Literally. Jeremy shrugged. 

"I figured it out in the fourth grade when you had the biggest crush on Jake Dillinger." He said. Michael gawked at him. 

"I had a crush on him?!" He gasped. Jeremy nodded and grinned. 

"Dude you used to stared at him all day long and you got so fucking excited when you found out he liked lizards. Same with Rich." Jeremy snorted. "You tend to like guys who like lizards is what I've noticed." Michael could no longer hold it together. He burst into laughter. Jeremy quickly joined him.

"I can't help it! I need to make sure my future boyfriend will love my children!" He gasped out. Jeremy snorted and was practically rolling on the floor laughing. At some point he sat up and looked at Michael. 

"Hey if you get a boyfriend and you die will I have to fight him for custody cause I fucking will. I love the lizards as much as you do. I'm practically their second dad." Michael smiled fondly at him, what did he do to deserve this boy. 

"If I'm not married to him you get them. You are their god father." 

"You right." He said nodding. Then he got very still and bit his lip. "Well if you're being honest about your sexuality it's only fair that I'm honest too." Michael sucked in a breath. Holy shit. "I'm bi. Bisexual. I figured it out about two months ago at Jake Dillinger's pool party." 

"How?" Michael said in a barely whispered. Jeremy looked him dead in the eyes. 

"Jake Dillinger was shirtless dude." Michael bursted out laughing again. 

"Jesus Christ dude!" 

"Hey it's true!" 

"I mean you're not wrong... So how did you know I was gay? Why not bi or pan?" Michael asked. Jeremy shrugged. 

"You've just never had a thing for girls I guess." 

"I mean you're not wrong." Jeremy nudged his shoulder. 

"Hey are you good now?" 

"Yeah after sharing our feelings and shit and talking about our mutual crushes on Jake Dillinger I'm feeling a lot better." 

"Good cause I'm hungry and the lemon bars should be cool enough to eat now." 

"Great cause I'm starving." 

"Can we play with the lizards after? I need time with my children." Jeremy asked. Michael chuckled. 

"Yes we can play with the children. Just remember only one at a time, I really don't want Karen trying to eat Janet or Frank." Jeremy nodded in agreement and got off the floor. He held out to Michael. He bit his lip realizing that he didn't tell Jeremy how he felt. He felt Jeremy nudge his foot. 

"You coming?" He asked, his stupid beautiful grin on his stupid beautiful face. Michael smiled back at him as he took his hand, letting Jeremy pull him up. 

"I bet I can eat more lemon bars than you." Michael challenged. Jeremy raised an eyebrow. 

"No way man!" 

"Well Heere let's find out!" Michael yelled as he ran to the kitchen. He could hear Jeremy laughing behind him. Oh well... He would tell him another time. 

 

 

*bonus lizard scene 

The two boys were sitting on Michael's bedroom floor playing with Frank the leopard gecko while listening to the killers. Michael picked up the lizard and put it in Jeremy's face and smirked. 

"Welcome to the lizard Frank show," Michael said in his very best filthy Frank voice. 

"Michael no!" Jeremy groaned. 

"If you're feeling suicidal you've come to the right place cause I wanna fucking kill myself." 

"You're the worst!" He said trying to hold in his laughter. 

"Whatever you love it."


	2. FOOLS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Only fools fall for you 
> 
> Only fools

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this is a long ass chapter, and when I say long I mean 9,137 words long... Yeah it took me pretty much all week. The reason why it's so long is because of how I want to format this fic I needed to put all of this stuff into this chapter. It's also super angsty. Once again I'm very sorry. 
> 
> There are also some hard subjects in this chapter, such as abusive parents and self ha, and I have put trigger warnings so you can skip those parts if needed. 
> 
> I also wanted to thank all of you who have given me kudos and such amazing comments! You guys make me want to write more of this fic.

FOOLS- Troye Sivan 

He never told him. He planned to do it everyday he saw him but he ether chickened out or life got in the way. But he really did try. He had written him so many letters that he could fill a whole book with them. He had started the conversation about a million times. He had made him a thousand mixtapes trying to convey how he felt. The rest of 8th grade he was a pining mess and Jeremy was an oblivious idiot. The summer was even worse. They spent everyday together during the summer. He had gotten particularly close one Thursday morning. 

The sun streamed through Jeremy's window waking Michael up slowly. He turned over to see if the other boy was awake yet and found that he wasn't even there. Michael sat up in the bed and looked around (though he couldn't see much since he didn't have his glasses on). 

"Jeremy?" He whispered into the blurry void. Michael rubbed his eyes and then slipped his glasses onto his face. Jeremy was no where to be found. As soon as he started getting out of bed the door flung open. His best friend walked through it with two bowls in hand. The taller boy smiled at him once he looked over to the bed. 

"Oh great you're up! Now I won't have to worry about your food getting cold." He said happily. Jeremy sat a bowl on his bed side table and handed one to Michael. "It's apple and cinnamon oatmeal. That's your favorite right?" Michael nodded, he was too stunned to say anything at the moment. Jeremy beamed at him. "Great! Hold on I'll be right back!" Jeremy ran back out of the room. 

Michael was busy with the task of trying to slow his racing heart and forcing himself not to blush. Calm yourself Mell, he said himself, He's just being a good friend. It's totally platonic to remember your best bro's favorite oatmeal! It's totally just a bro thing to bring your bro breakfast in bed, nothing romantic and disgustingly domestic about this entire situation! No need to flip out for no reason.

Jeremy walked back in with two mugs (one that said player one and one that said player two both had three little life hearts on them). He handed Michael the player two mug. Michael raised an eyebrow at the other boy. 

"Um excuse you, I'm player one." He said. 

"Says who?" Jeremy challenged. Michael was trying to look serious, but the grin on his face was giving him away. 

"Says my gaming systems." He said. "If you own them you're automatically player one!" As he said this Michael lightly hit Jeremy on the arm. Jeremy threw his head back laughing. 

"Okay okay I'll let you be player one!" He said throwing his hands up in surrender. 

"Good... And besides if anyone's the sidekick here, it's you Heere." Michael crossed his arms and smirked. Jeremy just rolled his eyes. 

"Whatever you say friendo." 

"You know it's true." 

"Mhm sure." The two boys looked at each other and laughed. Michael loved Jeremy's laugh. It didn't sound like a bells or anything, it wasn't even that pretty. It was sorta wheezy and Jeremy always snorted. It was Michael's favorite sound. Jeremy hated it.

In fact there were a lot of things Jeremy hated about himself that Michael loved about him. Like his hair. Jeremy always said it was too   
greasy and could never be styled, but Michael always thought it looked soft and beautiful. Or his skin. Jeremy hated how pale he was and hated all the scars on him (scars from picking at scabs, scars from being clumsy, scars from his mom, scars he had given to himself as punishments.), but Michael loved how pale he was and he wanted to kiss all the scars and tell him how beautiful he was. Or his smile. Jeremy had braces so he hated people looking at his teeth and he couldn't do closed mouth smiles or his lip would get caught, but Michael was absolutely sure he would never be able to find something as beautiful as Jeremy's smile. 

Michael was also kinda selfish. When he was around other people Jeremy would cover his mouth when he smiled, or use a fake laugh, or cover himself as much as he could. But when it was just him and Michael, Jeremy was his true self. He didn't cover his mouth, he didn't stop himself from laughing, he didn't hold back with Michael. He didn't hide. And Michael was selfish because he liked that he was the only one Jeremy was like this with. He liked hoarding the real Jeremy all to himself. He felt awful about it but he couldn't help it. 

Since he had realized that he head over heals(Healey's) for his best friend he had wondered how he didn't realize it sooner. How had he not realized just how wonderful his best friend was. In the nine years of knowing him how had not realize how beautiful Jeremy was. He guessed it probably had to do something with hormones but he liked to think it was something more romantic and poetic. He should of at least noticed on his last birthday, the birthday no one else remembered. 

Well that exactly wasn't true, because his parents remembered. It wasn't their fault that his grandma got deathly ill and they had to fly to the Philippines the week of his birthday and weren't able to call him because they had awful signal (they made it up by taking him and Jeremy to comic con that summer). But Jeremy remembered and went all out. He had shown up at his house at midnight (his father had drove him) with a cake (that his dad had baked) and the magic of the gathering card he had been searching for since the fourth grade (Jeremy had scoured eBay for the bad boy). How do you not fall for someone who does that for you? 

The two boys talked about all sorts of things while eating their breakfast. They talked about a new game they were both excited about and some documentary about Bob Marley that Michael had watched (after watching it he decided to listened to his music and now he was obsessed) and what high school was going to be like next year. Michael had the words he wanted to say to Jeremy on the tip on his tongue. The words that could lift the burden of his secret, but they could also ruin their friendship. And was he willing to risk that? Not really. 

But...

But he couldn't stop looking at Jeremy's lips. And he couldn't stop his heart from racing when Jeremy's hand brushed against his. And he couldn't control the butterflies in his stomach when Jeremy's eyes shinned while he talked about something he was excited about. And he couldn't shut up the little voice in his head that said that Jeremy could maybe feel the same way. 

Maybe Jeremy liked him as much as Michael liked him.

Maybe Jeremy thought about Michael the way Michael thought about him. 

Maybe Jeremy wanted to kiss him as much as Michael wanted to kiss him. 

Maybe

Maybe

Maybe...

Michael bit his lip and looked down at his lap. He should tell him. At the very least Jeremy would be okay with it and they would work it out from there. At the very best... Well at the very best Michael would finally get find out what it would be like to kiss Jeremy Heere. He cleared his throat. 

"Jeremy I need to tell you something." He whispered, so quiet Jeremy almost didn't hear him. But Jeremy did. He cocked his head to the side and looked at him with questioning eyes. 

"What's up buddy?" He asked. Michael eyes flicked up to his but quickly flicked back down. Oh god, he was actually doing this. 

"I... I- oh god I don't know how to say this." Michael wanted to cry, the shorter boy put his head in hands and pulled his knees to his chest. Michael began to hyperventilate. He was about to tell his best friend that he had the biggest crush on him. He was about to ruin their friendship. He was- 

Michael Jeremy shift a bit and then he was in his arms. Jeremy was rubbing circles on his back and holding him close and tight. Michael felt himself melt into the other boy's touch. 

"You can tell me anything Michael," Jeremy cooed. "I'm here for you." Jeremy's hand moved up his arm and up into his best friend's hair, slowly carding through it with his fingers. Michael's breath hitched in his throat. He buried his face into Jeremy's tee-shirt slowly breathing him in (he smelled like lemongrass and sleep). 

"I know," Michael whispered back. "It's just hard you know?" 

"Take your time." Jeremy said. Michael slowed his breathing and synced it with the other boy's. He had learned how to do that back in third grade when his anxiety had started to really increase beyond normal levels. It relaxed him and grounded him to reality. Jeremy was his anchor. Jeremy was his rock. He could tell him. He knew Jeremy wouldn't leave him. 

"Jeremy I-" He was cut off by the door opening. Jeremy's dad poked his head through. 

"Hey kiddos I have a surprise for yo-" He stopped once he saw the state the two boys were in. He looked at Jeremy and mouthed 'Panic attack?' Jeremy nodded. Jeremy's dad smiled softly at the two boys. "Hey I wanted to tell you guys that the zoo is having an event today where they're showcasing a bunch of reptiles and I wanted know if you two wanted to go?" He asked, his voice much softer than before. 

"What do you think Mikey? Wanna go?" Jeremy asked. Michael smiled, Jeremy hadn't called him that since the 5th grade. He nodded against the other boy's chest. 

"Okay be ready to go in about thirty minutes." Jeremy's dad said, then quietly shut the door. 

"Do you want to finish what you were going to say?" Jeremy asked. Michael frowned. The moment was gone so what was the point. 

"Another time." He replied. Jeremy nodded. The two boys slowly separated their intertwined limbs and looked at each other. 

Silence 

Silence 

Silence

"So do you think they'll have any iguanas there? I really want to see one." Michael said, he had to break the silence before he went crazy. A smile grew on Jeremy's face. 

"I'm sure there will be." He said.

"Cool." 

"Cool." The two boys laughed and then got up to get dressed. Another time, he told himself. Another time....

 

****

 

Freshmen year was now in swing, and let's just say Michael liked it much better than middle school so far. He still was pretty antisocial and only hung out with Jeremy, but he liked the classes much more and felt like he was actually learning stuff in them. He had thought about joining some clubs, it would be fun and would look good on college applications so that wouldn't hurt. When he had told his parents and Jeremy that he wanted to join the reptile club they were ecstatic. 

Jeremy was liking it a lot more too. He had made some other friends and he was doing really well in his classes. Michael noticed that he was becoming more confident in himself too, he had stopped trying to hold in his laughter or cover up his mouth when he smile and he talked to other people. And that made Michael happy. 

Seeing Jeremy happy and confident made Michael so happy. He hadn't seen his friend like that in a long time and it was so nice to finally see it. 

Then that confidence was crushed. 

One day when Michael arrived in their shared algebra class he saw Jeremy with his head down on the table. Michael had figured he just woke feeling really shitty, so he did what he normally did in those kind of situations. He lightly tapped his shoulder, smiled at him, and handed him a candy bar (he carried them around especially for Jeremy). But as soon as his friend looked up he felt his heart drop. 

Jeremy looked beyond a little shitty, he looked miserable. His face was paler than usual, he lips were chapped from worrying at them, his eyes were red and puffy. Something had happened. Michael set his bag down and squatted in front of his best friend. 

"Hey buddy," he whispered. "What's up?" Jeremy rubbed his eyes. 

"Nothing I'm fine..." He said. 

"Jeremy." 

"No really I'm fine." He insisted. 

"Jeremy I've been your best friend since the sand box, I know when you're lying to me." Michael took his hand in his own. "Look you don't have to tell me now but I'm worried about you." Jeremy looked down at their hands, if Michael had been paying attention he would of saw Jeremy blush a dark red. "I just want to make sure my player two is all right." 

"Okay..." Jeremy replied quietly. He squeezed Michael's hand. "Come over to my house after school and we can talk." Michael smiled softly and squeezed back. 

"Okay buddy." He stood up, fought the urge to kiss Jeremy on the forehead, and sat down in the desk next to him. Throughout the hour drew Michael little comics hoping that they would cheer Jeremy up, and it worked. After drawing and passing him a comic of the lizards arguing which of their dads was the best he could hear a little giggle come from the desk beside him. Michael smiled to himself. 

During his next hour he texted his parents asking them to order them some take out and that Jeremy was not feeling well today. At lunch the duo ate Chinese food with Michael parents in his mother's classroom. His dad was telling them about this one student in his third hour was going on and on about how hot his trigonometry teacher was. 

"So what did you say?" Jeremy asked. 

"I said 'I know'." His father smirked and looked at Michael's mother. "He said 'oh so you want to get with her too Mr. Mell?' and I said 'I already do, because she's my wife." His mom let out a snort and Jeremy burst out in laughter, Michael was just cringing at the thought that someone his age thought his mom was hot. 

"So that's why he wouldn't look at me all throughout class." His mom said. 

"That's disgusting," Michael groaned. "I can't believe people actually say that about you." His mom whacked him lightly on the arm. 

"Hey I still got it going on." She said. 

"Hell yeah you do." His dad affirmed. Michael groaned even louder. Jeremy snickered, Michael glared at him. 

"What the hell are you laughing at asshole?" He said sternly. 

"Michael's mom has got it on, Michael's mom has got it going on." Jeremy sung to the tune of Stacy's mom. 

"No!" Michael yelled. The two adults smirked at each other. 

"You know I'm not the little boy that I used to be..." His dad sang. 

"Stop!" 

"I'm all grown up now baby can't you see!" His mom joined in. 

"Please for the love of God!" 

"MICHAEL'S MOM HAS GOT IT GOING ON! SHE'S ALL I WANT AND I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SO LONG! MICHAEL CAN'T YOU SEE YOU'RE JUST NOT THE ONE FOR ME! I KNOW IT MIGHT BE WRONG BUT I'M IN LOVE WITH MICHAEL'S MOM!!!" The three of them sang/screamed together. Michael couldn't stop himself from laughing.

"You guys are asses!" He exclaimed.

"Well you're the kid of two asses so what does that make you?" His dad asked. 

"An angel!" He said fluttering his lashes. His parents laughed like that was the funniest joke they had ever heard. Michael rolled his eyes. Jeremy nudged his shoulder and smiled at him. Michael nudged back and smiled at him. The two didn't notice that the two adults saw and knew what was happening between the two boys. 

(Trigger warning for abusive parent and self harm. Ends at the next ****) 

Later when Michael came over to Jeremy's house he could tell that his mood decreased a lot since lunch. 

"You ready to talk?" Michael asked as he sat on the other boy's bed. Jeremy bit his lip but nodded. 

"My parents got in a huge fight. It got really bad..." Jeremy said, just barely audible.

"How bad?" Michael asked with caution.

"Like their is a hole in my parents bedroom because she threw something at him..." Tears were starting to fall from Jeremy's eyes. "They were fighting about me..." Jeremy let out a sob. Michael rushed forward and wrapped his arms the other boy. 

"Hey it's okay. I'm here it's okay." He cooed. He carded his fingers through Jeremy's hair. "I'm here." 

"She used to not be like this. She used to be so good and wonderful and- and- now..." Jeremy let out a soft sob. Michael clenched the fabric of Jeremy's shirt. 

Silence 

Silence 

Silence

"She hit him last night..." Jeremy said quietly. 

"What?" Michael gasped, anger beginning to course through his veins. 

"She was going after me but he stood in front of me and-" Jeremy let out another sob. "Why doesn't she just leave?! She obviously doesn't want to be here but she won't go!!!"

"I don't know buddy... I don't know..." Michael replied softly. 

Silence 

Silence 

Silence 

"He should leave..." Jeremy said, talking more to himself than to Michael. "He should leave her and get the hell out of here. He should save himself. He deserves much better than her! He deserves much better than me..." Michael's heart ached. 

"Jeremy your dad loves you and would never leave you with that monster." Michael said softly. 

"He deserves to start a new life. With a good wife who loves him and kid who wasn't so terrible." Bile rose up in his stomach. 

"You're not terrible Jeremy." He said sternly. "You're amazing!" 

"No I'm not! I'm a fucking loser Michael! And I don't even know why you're friends with me honestly! You're so much cooler and smarter and beautiful than me! What are you getting out of this friendship?! All my bullshit that's what! You- you deserve better..." Every single one of Jeremy's words tore him apart. He wanted to kiss all the thoughts away and show Jeremy how much he meant to Michael. How much Michael loved him. He settled for cupping his face in his hands and brushing the tears on his cheeks with his thumbs. 

"Jeremy listen to me. You are honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me. You're my best friend and I wouldn't trade you for anything in the world. And I know your dad feels the same. He loves you and wouldn't trade you for another son, because even if that kid was the most perfect person in the world he wouldn't be you." Michael was crying now too. 

"But I'm ruining your lives... The only reason he stays with her is because of me and I'm the one holding you back from better things..." 

"Don't you dare say that Jeremiah Heere. Don't you dare to fucking say that bullshit about my best friend. My best friend I love dearly and would do anything for. My best friend who deserves so much better than what the world has given him. " Jeremy bit his lip and flicked his eyes away from Michael's. 

"I- I don't know what to say Mikey..." 

"You don't have to say anything." Michael bit his lip knowing what he had to say next. "Can you show me your wrists." Jeremy went pale. He looked like a ghost. But slowly he pushed the sleeves of his cardigan. There were cuts, old and new. Brand new ones. Open ones. Michael choked back a sob.

"I'm sorry..." Jeremy said. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry..." He just kept repeating it over and over and over again. He didn't stop till Michael placed a finger over his lips. 

"You don't need to be sorry Jer. I just wish that you wouldn't do this to yourself." He said quietly. 

"I'm such a fuck up!" Jeremy cried. "I promised you-" 

"I shouldn't have made you promise, that was wrong of me..." He looked his best friend in the eyes. "Just can you try?" Jeremy let another sob out but nodded. "Thank you... Now come on let's go to the bathroom." He took Jeremy's hand in his and led him across the hall where his bathroom was. Michael opened up the cabinet, pulled out the first aid kit, and began cleaning the cuts. 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." 

"Jeremey there is nothing to sorry for." 

"But I am sorry...." His eyes fell to the floor. 

Silence 

Silence 

Silence 

"Why did you start again?" Michael asked cautiously. 

Silence 

Silence 

Silence 

"Did she say something to you?" Jeremy wouldn't look Michael. "What did she say?" The other boy took a deep breath. 

"She told me last night that she couldn't believe that she raised a loser like me. That everything about me is terrible. That everything about me makes her want to die." Jeremy whimpered, the sound was so small and vulnerable that it made Michael want to punch that woman in the mouth. 

"I'm going to kill her." He mumbled under breath. 

"Please don't. You're one of only people I have and I don't want you to go to prison." Jeremy replied. 

"I still want to do it." 

"Promise me you won't." And with Jeremy looking at him with those sad pleading eyes how could he say no. 

"Fine..." He groaned. 

"And you're not allowed hire an assassin ether." Michael snorted. 

"I wouldn't do that." 

"Yes you would. I know you too well Mell." A small smile on his face. Relief flooded throughout Michael. Jeremy was smiling, that meant there was hope. 

"Fine... I promise I won't hire an assassin ether." Jeremy's smile grew a little more. Michael, for about the fifteenth time that day, forced himself not to kiss the boy in front of him. Michael began putting up the medical supplies when Jeremy grabbed his hand. 

"Thank you." Jeremy whispered while squeezing Michael's hand. Michael squeezed back. Then Jeremy wrapped his arms around him and captured him in a tight hug. 

"I'm your best friend man no need to thank me." Michael said with a smile.

Silence 

Silence 

Silence. 

"I love you..." Jeremy said softly. So softly that Michael almost thought he had imagined it. "I love you so much Michael Mell." Nope he wasn't imagining it. 

"What?" He asked, shocked. 

"You know you're my best friend... And my favorite person of course I love you." Jeremy laughed a bit. "No homo." 

Michael tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach 

He tried to ignore the tears pricking his eyes. 

He tried to ignore the fact that for a moment he actually had hope the Jeremy Heere might actually feel the same way. 

Because now was not the time. 

Michael squeezed him tightly. 

"I love you too, dude." He replied. 

I love you so much that you would never be able to understand how much you mean to me. I love your eyes and your hair and your smile and your laugh and I think no matter how hard I try to stop I don't think I'll ever stop loving you. I've wanted to kiss you and tell you how beautiful you are and how much I love you since the 8th grade, but I'm a coward and I couldn't do it. I love you. I love you. I love you. 

That's what he wanted to say. 

But he didn't. 

Instead he let go of Jeremy and stared him straight into the eyes. 

"No homo." He dead-panned. Jeremy let out a massive snort. 

"You're a dork." 

"Hey man you said it first." He said with a small smile. 

"Oh shit you right." The two boys stared at each other, but then broke out in laughter. After they had calmed down Michael put up the first aid kit and walked them both back to Jeremy's room. 

"Do you want to come over to my house?" Michael suggested. "We can eat brownies and play with lizards." Jeremy smiled and nodded. 

Here's the thing about the two friends, they were both far from perfect. Michael was a bit too anti-social. Jeremy was a bit clingy. Michael had trust issues. Jeremy trusted to easily. Michael was a smart ass. Jeremy tended to let people walk all over him. But none of that mattered, because they had each other. And who the hell needed perfect when you had a best friend. 

 

****

 

Michael only trusted three people in the world. Jeremy, his mom, and his dad. He told them most everything. He had a great relationship with his parents and he loved them a lot. When he told them he was gay (the day after he had told Jeremy) they totally accepted him and were super supported, they even bought him a pride patch for his hoodie (he cried when they gave it to him). 

His mother was a tiny filipino woman who was a complete smart ass (Michael got it from her) and his father was a tall Ecuadorian who was one of the nicest people you would ever meet (but also kind of a smart ass). They were both teachers (his mother was a trigonometry teacher and his father was a creative writing teacher) and all their students loved them (Michael was their only biological kid but they had practically adopted most of their students and there would always be someone over at the house). They were opposites in every which way, but that was okay because they worked so damn well together. Michael could only wish that he would have something like that one day. 

One night, at the end of freshmen year, the family sat down to eat. His parents were chatting about the next school year but Michael wasn't paying attention. His mind was on Jeremy. But then again when wasn't it. 

He was thinking about how cute Jeremy had been earlier today when they had all gone science museum. Jeremy's favorite exhibit was the space one and he always turned into a little kid when he was in there. If Michael's thing was music then Jeremy's was space. Jeremy knew everything about space. He still had those glow in the dark stars on his ceiling. It was honestly was the cutest thing like ever. 

"Michael?" His dad said while waving his hand in his face. "You there kiddo?" Michael blushed and looked at his parents. 

"I'm fine I just kinda zoned out there for second." He replied nervously. He scratched the back of his head refusing to look at his parents. 

"More like ten minutes." His mom said. "What are you thinking so hard about?" 

"I'm not thinking about anything!" He defended. 

"Michael I'm your mother, I know when your thinking about something." She leaned forward and pinched the bridge of his nose, Michael hated when she did that. "So spill." Michael bit his lip. So here's the thing, he hadn't told his parents about his crush on Jeremy and hadn't planned on it. He loved his parents but they tended to be really embarrassing about these kind of things. 

"C'mon kiddo, you can tell us anything." His dad said nudging his foot under the table. 

"Okay umm.. So there's this gu- guy and he's real- really cu- cute and nice and fun- funny and I just- I just like him a lot and- and don't know how to tell him!" Michael managed to stutter out. His parents looked at each other with knowing looks and had a whole conversation with just their eyes, then turned back to him with matching smirks. 

"So you're having guy trouble?" His dad asked slowly. 

"Yes..." Michael said without looking at them. 

"Tell us a little more about this guy." His mom said slyly. "Do we know him?" God could this be more embarrassing? Michael was pretty sure he was as red as his hoodie at this point. 

"I don't think so..." He lied. 

"Does he like video games?" His father questioned. 

"Yes." Michael replied. 

"Does he like lizards?" His mother asked. 

"Yeah.." He sighed dreamily. 

"Does he have a good music taste?" His father asked. 

"Yeah..." Michael didn't notice the snickering coming from his parents. 

"Is his favorite color blue?" His mother asked, barely able to hold in her laughter. 

"Mhm.." 

"Are you head over heals for him?" His dad choked back a laugh. 

"Absolutely..." 

"Is he your best friend Jeremy Heere?" 

"Yeah..." He said. 

Wait... 

Oh shit! 

"I mean no! It's not Jeremy! What would give you that idea?!" He said quickly. But it was too late his parents had already heard the truth and they knew it was the truth. 

"Don't even try to back track young man!" His mom exclaimed. "You like Jeremy!" Michael looked helplessly between the two adults, groaned, and banged his head on the table. 

"Okay yes! I like Jeremy!" He yelled, the sleeve of his hoodie muffling his voice. 

"I knew it!" His parents exclaimed in sync. Michael's head shot up.

"How long have you've known?" He asked. 

"Michael we've known since you were in 6th grade." His dad answered. 

"You two were hanging out one night and you couldn't stop looking at him with these heart eyes, and we just knew." His mom explained.

"Oh." 

"Yeah." 

"Wait is that why you weren't that surprised when I told you I was gay?" 

"Oh Michael we've known that since you were five." Michael shot up in his seat. 

"What?! How?!" He cried. 

"It might have something to do with the fact I pushed you out..." His mom replied. "Or the fact that in every show you watched you said were going to marry the male lead instead of the female." 

"I did?" 

"Mhm." His dad affirmed. 

"You came up to me after watching Aladdin for the first and told me that you thought Aladdin was the cutest person that you had ever saw." His mom said. 

"Why the hell did everyone know before me!" Michael exclaimed. His parents shrugged. 

"So do you want to talk about this Jeremy thing?" His dad asked. 

"I would rather not..." Michael said miserably, as he laid his head back down on the table. The two adults looked at their son with concern, then looked at each other. After a minutes Michael dad cleared his throat.

"Son have I ever told you how I met you mother?" He said. Michael looked back up slowly. 

"Actually no.." He said. 

"Well I'm going to tell you now." He said. "I was five years old and I transferred from a different class into the one your mom was in." 

"He didn't know anyone and he looked really nervous so I went up to talk to him." She said. 

"At recess a little girl in a bright red dress came up and asked if I wanted to play a game with her and I said yes." His dad said. "After that day we were inseparable." His dad smiled fondly at Michaels mom. 

"Yep! We were best friends and did everything together." She said. "And in about 7th grade I realized that i had feelings for him." 

"I realized I'm 6th grade." 

"But we didn't tell each other because we were too afraid to lose the other." 

"It wasn't till at the end of senior year of high school that we finally told each other because it was just too much of a burden." 

"And we've been together ever since." Michael jaw dropped in shock. 

"So you've known each other for 35 year?!" 

"Yep." His father replied. 

"I can't believe it." Michael said in awe. 

"Believe it baby." His mother said. 

"I'm glad we waited to tell each other." 

"Yeah, I don't think ether of us were ready till that moment." 

"But we ended up together none the less." His dad concluded. 

"Do you understand what we're trying to say Michael?" His mom asked.

"Not really." He said truthfully. His mom smiled softly at him, reached across the table, and took his hand in hers. 

"What we're saying is that that if you're meant to be with someone then eventually you'll be with them." She said. "It might take getting through hell to get there, but eventually you will." 

"And hell for us was your mother's ex boyfriend David." His father said with smile. 

"That's a story for another day." She said. 

"I think I get it now." Michael said slowly. 

"Good, you just need to be strong till then. Just know we're rooting for you." She said, his dad nodded in agreement. Michael said a prayer of thanks to whatever god decided to bless him with parents like this. 

"As you kids say, we ship it." His father snickered. Never mind, Michael took it all back, they were the worst. The young boy groaned loudly as the two adults cackled at their joke. After they calmed down Michael got up and hugged them. 

"Thank you guys." He said. 

"We're always here for you kiddo." His dad said. 

"I know." Michael replied as he let go of them . 

"Now that that's all out on the table I should probably tell you that I've been planning you and Jeremy's wedding since that night." His mom confessed.

"Mom!" Michael gasped. 

"I can show you my Pinterest board if you want." She suggested. Michael fought the urge to scream. 

"You are the worst." He groaned. His parents were once again laughing his misery, but Michael was sure that he couldn't be luckier to have them as parents. 

 

****

 

One day during the summer after freshmen year Michael and Jeremy were hanging out in Michael's basement. That day they were having a Pixar movie Marathon and ever since Jeremy had arrived at Michael's he had looked lost in thought. Michael kept looking at him trying to figure out what was wrong with his best friend, but couldn't figure out what. Half way through the incredible's Michael decided to voice his concerns to Jeremy.

"Dude what is up with you today?" Michael complained. "It's like you're here but you're not really here, ya know? You're off somewhere in la la land." Jeremy blushed. 

"Sorry!" He exclaimed. "I've just been thinking..." 

"Thinking about what?" Michael asked. Jeremy bit his lip, refusing to look at the other boy. Michael paused the movie and asked again. "What's wrong Jer?" Concern written all over his expression. 

"Nothing's wrong it's just..." Jeremy was about as red as a tomato. "I was just wondering if you- Never mind it's stupid." He finished quickly. Michael took Jeremy's hand in his own. 

"It's obviously not stupid if you're this worried about it." He said. "C'mon man, you can ask me anything." Jeremy took a deep breath. 

"I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'VE EVER KISSED ANYONE BEFORE!" He asked quickly, his voice cracking throughout the sentence. Michael jaw dropped and began to turn as red as Jeremy.

"No..." He said. 

"Oh." 

"I would of told you if I kissed anyone." 

"Oh." 

"Yeah." 

Silence 

Silence 

Silence

"I've never kissed anyone ether!" Jeremy exclaimed. 

"Oh." Michael said, he was just as red as Jeremy now.

"Yeah." 

"So why were you thinking about that?" Michael asked cautiously. 

"Oh um because... Because I was thinking about how... How when I do eventually kiss someone I'm going to be horrible at it..." 

"O-oh!" Michael said, voice cracking. 

"Yeah..." 

Silence 

Silence 

Silence 

"Would you teach me!?" Jeremy blurted out. Immediately covering his his mouth after he had said it. Michael's stopped. "Oh my god I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that oh my god I'm so stupid-" Jeremy went on and on for about a minute. Michael thought he was going to explode. 

Jeremy Heere just asked him to teach him how to kiss. 

What the fuck. 

'Don't do anything stupid Mell.' He thought to himself. 'Just kindly decline and tell him that you wouldn't know how to do it. If you say yes it's going to hurt you more than anything.'

"I mean I guess I could try," Michael said shyly. "I've never done it ether so I have no clue what I'm doing but I can try." 

'You fucking idiot!' His brain yelled at him. 

Jeremy didn't say anything, he just stared at Michael with wide eyes and a slack jaw. Michael decided to backtrack. 

"I mean I don't- we don't have to- it's not like- shit I-" Jeremy cut him off by rushing forward and crashing his lips against Michael's. 

Michael was pretty sure his heart stopped. 

Jeremy quickly pulled back, once he realized Michael was kissing back, and began stuttering apologies. Michael wasn't listening though. He put his fingers on his lips. 

He just had his first kiss. 

Jeremy Heere had just kissed him. 

Jeremy had fucking kissed him. 

He didn't fucking kiss back. 

Jesus Christ. 

Michael put a finger on Jeremy's lips to shut him up. He smiled softly to show Jeremy that he wasn't mad at him. 

"Jer it's okay, I was just taken by surprise." He explained. "Ya gotta give me some warning man." He removed his finger and waited for Jeremy to respond. 

"Can we..." Jeremy flicked his eyes down to the floor, then back to Michael. "Can we try again." Michael ignored the screaming in his brain and nodded. Jeremy smiled nervously at him. 

"Slower this time, it kinda hurt when you just rammed your face into mine." He said, Jeremy nodded. They slowly inched their faces together. This time when their lips met Michael kissed back. 

It wasn't perfect. Michael's glasses were uncomfortably pressing into his face and their noses kept bumping into each other. It was stiff. And shy. And awkward as all hell. But the fact that it was with Jeremy, made it everything Michael had ever dreamed of. 

After a minute they pulled away to breath. Jeremy smiled awkwardly at him. 

"So... How did I do?" He asked. Michael smiled at him. 

"Much better but you were kind of hesitant and stiff. You gotta have a little more confidence." He said. Jeremy blushed (somehow he was even redder than before).

"Ca-can you show me what you mean?" Jeremy asked. Michael licked his lips anxiously, but nodded. He leaned closer to Jeremy, cupped his face in his hands, and flicked his eyes to his lips. Jeremy nodded, then Michael closed the gap between them. 

It started as soft and shy as the last one, but once they were both comfortable Michael went in for bit more. He slowly moved one hand into Jeremy's hair and the other to his waist. Jeremy clearly got the message and moved one hand to the back of Michael's neck pulling him even closer. As Michael got braver he tried something else. He opened his mouth and bit Jeremy's lip, the other boy moaned. Michael gained a little more confidence and slipped his tongue between Jeremy's now opened lips. The other boy gasped as Michael slid his across his tongue across his teeth. Once Michael was satisfied he pulled back and looked at Jeremy who was looking at him like... Like... Well whatever it was Michael didn't know how to describe it. All he knew is that he just wanted Jeremy to keep looking at him like that. 

"Like that..." He said quietly. Jeremy just kept looking at him. And looking at him. And looking at him. 

"Can you show me again?" He said breathlessly, his eyes flicking between Michael's eyes and lips. Michael bit his lip and nodded. Then he leaned back in and captured Jeremy's lips once more.

The two boys stayed like that for about half an hour, only pulling away to take a breath. At some point Jeremy had crawled onto Michael's lap. At some point Michael's hands went up Jeremy's shirt. Michael knew what he was doing was wrong. It was going to hurt him later when he wouldn't be able to do this again, but for right now he couldn't stop himself. He had wanted this for so damn long. For the moment he could pretend that Jeremy had feelings for him and that they could do this all the time. Pretend that Jeremy knew how much Michael loved him. Pretend that Jeremy loved him just as much. 

But all good things eventually come to an end. From upstairs they heard the front door open and shut. 

"Michael! Jeremy! Are you here?!" His mother yelled from upstairs. And just like that the spell was broken. The boys quickly jump apart and fixed their clothing. 

"Yeah mom! We're down stairs!" Michael called. 

"Okay! When you're ready we have pizza for you!" 

"Okay thanks mom!" The two boys looked at each other. They were both messes. Jeremy looked as red as Michael's hoodie, his hair was a mess, and his lips were swollen. Michael was sure Jeremy had never been this beautiful before. 

And then his heart dropped. 

Jeremy had this look of regret and it just... It just... It just broke Michael's heart. 

"We should probably go eat." Jeremy suggested, he looked away from Michael. 

"Yeah..." Michael replied. "We should also probably... Um you know... Make ourselves look like we didn't just make out." Jeremy bit his lip and nodded. "You can use the bathroom down here and I'll go upstairs." 

"Okay." Jeremy said quietly. Michael looked at his friend one more time then headed upstairs. Thankfully the bathroom was not very far from the basement entry and managed to get to it without being seen by his parents. He turned on the faucet and began splashing water in his face. The memories of what just happened were flashing through his mind. 

Jeremy's skin against his. 

Their lips fitting together like two puzzle pieces. 

Jeremy's hands in his hair. 

The little giggles whenever their teeth clashed. 

How warm Jeremy was. 

The sounds Jeremy made when Michael did something he liked. 

The way Jeremy looked at him like he was the only thing that mattered in that moment.

The way Jeremy looked afterward, like he had done something terribly wrong. 

Michael felt tears welling up in his eyes. His chest hurt. God he was an idiot. He sat on the floor and cried into the sleeve of his hoodie. He was such a fool. He gave himself the exact thing wanted and then took it away just as quick. And now... And now who knows what. Everything hurt. Why did the one person Michael want was the one he could never have? Why did he do this to himself. 

He sat there for what seemed like an eternity. When he could breath again Michael got up, splashed some water in his face, and attempted to fix his hair. When he was finally ready he opened the door and didn't look back. Jeremy was in the kitchen eating pizza and talking to Michael's dad. They were laughing about something but Michael didn't know what. He was too busy trying to ignore the feeling of longing in the pit of his stomach. He barely noticed when his mom grabbed his arm. 

"You okay?" She whispered. 

"Not really." He said truthfully. "But I'll get over it." His mother looked over him with knowing eyes, but then nodded and let go of him. He gave her a small smile and joined the other two. As soon as he sat down the two boys looked at each with the same expression. A silent agreement that they would talk about it later. 

They never did talk about it. 

 

****

(Trigger warning for abusive parents and self harm. Ends at the ****) 

 

Michael was there for the worst night of Jeremy's life. It was the middle of sophomore year and Jeremy's parents were on the breaking point. The tension in the house could be cut with a knife. Jeremy pretty much lived at Michael's house that year. Every time Michael saw Jeremy's mother he regretted promising Jeremy that he wouldn't kill her. Or send an assassin to do it for him. 

It was okay though because since Jeremy was mainly at his house he could watch him. Make sure that he wasn't hurting himself. At some point him, his parents, and Jeremy's dad hid any shape object that Jeremy could cut himself with. Michael kept him from his house and would go over for him whenever Jeremy needed something. Jeremy's dad would come over every other night to make sure his son was alright and to give them all updates on the current situation. 

Jeremy was safe. 

But he wasn't happy. 

He was far from it in fact. The only times Michael would see his real smile, the one he knew and loved, was when he was doing something he really loved (like when he was talking about Christine((which is another long ass topic that we won't talk about right now, but soon)). But Jeremy's happy moments were far and few. So Michael did everything he could to make his friend happy. 

He took him to every event that had to do with anything Jeremy enjoyed, even if he knew it would be crowded and loud. He let Jeremy use his headphones, even if he knew he was on the verge of overload. He cuddled with him, even if he had lost any and all hope of Jeremy loving him back. He listened to him every time he wanted to gush about Christine, even if it hurt more than a punch to the gut. He did all this because he loved Jeremy. He loved him so fucking much. 

Then it happened. 

It had been like any other day. They had gone to school, ate lunch together, Jeremy gushed about Christine. You know, the usual. After school they were supposed stop Jeremy's house to get him some clothes for the next week (and what I mean by that is that Michael was going to go in while Jeremy waited in the drive way).

Half way through his fifth hour Michael had to leave because he had gotten sick. He had tried to hold it together because Michael's parents were out of town visiting friends for the weekend, and if he went home Jeremy would have to go to his house alone. He had been holding strong for quiet a while, but eventually he threw up (on Dustin Kropp to be precise) and Jeremy forced him to go home. Once he did get home he immediately fell asleep. 

Michael didn't wake up till 12:30 in the morning. He didn't see Jeremy anywhere in the room so assumed that he was sleeping downstairs in the basement so he wouldn't get Michael's bug. Michael went the kitchen to get some water then went down to the basement to check on Jeremy. He wasn't down there. 

"Jeremy!" He called into the empty house. Michael looked all around the house, but Jeremy was no where to be found. Panic began to course through his body. Where was he? Was he hurt? Did something happen   
with his parents? Did his mom do something to him? 

Michael quickly ran back up stairs and grabbed his phone. He tried to call Jeremy but no one picked up. Then he tried Jeremy's dad. No answer. He called his parents but he knew they were probably out with friends so they wouldn't hear their phones. So he called Jeremy again. And again. And again. No answer. Eventually the anxiety was too much for him so he threw on his shoes and began to make his way Jeremy's house. 

The possibility that Jeremy might be hurt made him run as fast as he could, even if he had been sick just a few hours ago. Half way there he ran straight into someone. 

"Oof!" Michael he yelled as he fell on his ass. 

"I'm sorry!" The stranger apologized, helping Michael up. Michael looked up to face the stranger. Wait not a stranger-

"Jeremy?!" He cried. 

"Michael?!" Jeremy replied, looking just as shocked as Michael felt. 

"Where have you been?! I woke up and you weren't anywhere in the house and then I called and you didn't answer and I was so worried and..." Michael trailed off. It wasn't till that moment Michael noticed that Jeremy's eye was swollen. "What happened to your eye?!" 

"I- my mom- she-" Jeremy cut himself off by wrapping his arms around him. "I'm sorry." He whispered. Then he began to cry. Michael pulled him closer. 

"Hey it's okay," he whispered back. "Let's just go back to my house." Jeremy nodded and released Michael from his hold. The two walked silently back to Michael's house. Once there Michael went the kitchen to get Jeremy an ice pack, then they sat in the living room. 

"What happened Jeremy?" Michael asked. Jeremy looked at him with sad eyes, tears welling up in them. 

"She left." He said, barely audible. 

"What?" 

"My mom... She left." He said. He began to shake with sobs. "Sh- she hit me and then my dad flipped out and told her to go and then she just did." 

"Oh Jeremy..." Michael cooed as he moved closer to Jeremy, holding him in his arms. "I'm so sorry." 

"I don't even know why I'm fucking crying! She's gone I should be happy!" He cried into Michael shoulder. 

"She was your mom Jer." 

"Yeah, but she was awful! She hit my dad! She hit me! She said awful things to the both of us! She said awful things about you! I wanted to kill her when she said those things about you Michael." Michael's breath hitched in his throat. "I should hate her! But I don't...." Michael ran his fingers through Jeremy's hair trying to calm him down. "I can't..." 

"Jeremy can I tell you something?" Jeremy nodded. "When we were in fifth grade I asked my parents why your dad never kicked you mom out." 

"What did they say?" The other boy asked. 

"They told me that your dad loved your mom so much that he wasn't ready to let her yet." He said. "And then they told me it would hurt you a lot more than I thought it would of your mom left. I asked how. They said when you're born, you're born loving your parents. You have a special connection with them and that never goes away. Even if they were awful people to you. For example my mom's dad was an alcoholic and was really abusive, but she never hated him. And my dad's parents were extremely homophobic and threw his sister out of the house when she came out as gay... My dad doesn't talk with them, but he doesn't hate them." 

"Oh." Jeremy replied quietly. 

"Then my mom said it was okay though because she could hate his parents for him." Michael chuckled a bit. "So I'll hate your mom for you." He felt Jeremy smile through his hoodie. 

"Okay." They stayed there like that for what seemed like forever. It was almost nice, but the voice nagging Michael in the back of his head wouldn't shut up. 

"I should of been there." He whispered, clenching the material of Jeremy's shirt.

"No, I'm glad you weren't there. If she-" Jeremy swallowed. "If she hurt you I don't think I would of ever forgiven myself." 

"But I could of stopped her! I could of done something. I could of-" Michael began to sob. "I could done something." 

"It's okay Michael. I'm okay." Jeremey cooed. "It's over now. There's nothing you can do..." 

"I'm so sorry Jer... I'm so sorry..." Michael sobbed. 

"I know..." Jeremy said, sobbing as well. The boys stayed in each other's arms for the rest of the night. 

 

****

 

Michael was walking through the halls of the school, avoiding any and all eye contact. He was endlessly skipping through songs, trying to find one he liked. It was lunch time and he was trying to find Jeremy so they could go to 7/11. Half way out of the building he stopped skipping when a song caught his attention. It started with a simple piano. Then a male voice. 

I am tired of this place, I hope people change 

I need time to replace what I gave away 

And my hopes they are high I must keep them small, though I try to resist I still want it all 

I see swimming pools and living rooms and airplanes 

I see a little house on a hill and children's names 

I see quiet nights, poured over ice, and tanqueray 

But everything is shattering and it my mistake 

Only fools fall for you 

Only fools 

Only fools do what I do

Only fools fall

Only fools fall for you 

Only fools fall 

Only fools do what I do 

Only fools fall

"Michael!" A familiar voice yelled. He snapped himself out of the song. Across the way he saw Jeremy waving at him and smiling. Michael melted just a bit. Michael walked over to his friend. "You ready?" 

"Yeah." 

"Good cause I'm starving!" Jeremy exclaimed. Michael let out a little chuckle. "How was your day?" 

"Pretty alright." 

"Good!" Jeremy said, practically beaming. God, Michael hadn't seen him this happy in a while. 

"You're in a good mood." He said. 

"Yeah, I guess I am..." Jeremy blushed and looked at the ground. "So today Christine and I got paired up in history for a project." Michael felt his heart drop into his stomach. Of course that's why he was happy. Michael took a deep breath and pushed aside his feelings. Jeremy was happy and he should be happy for him. He forced a smile. 

"That's great man! I'm really happy for you!" He said, at this point he had gotten pretty good at lying though his goddamn teeth. "What are you guys doing a project on?" 

"Well-" Jeremy started talking about the project. And about Christine. Michael was only half listening though. 

Only fools fall for you

Only fools

Michael looked at Jeremy and tried to swallow all longing and want he felt for the other boy. But he just couldn't. 

Only fools do what I do 

Only fools fall 

Everything hurt. And everything would probably always hurt. And he couldn't do anything to soothe the pain. 

Only fools fall for you 

Only fools 

Michael loved Jeremy and he couldn't do anything to stop. 

Only fools do what I do

Only fools fall 

God, he was one hell of a fool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So if you're reading this you made through the mess that was this chapter and I am thoroughly impressed if you did. Next chapter is going to be all about Christine so get ready for that. Thank you for reading!


	3. Dancing on my own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her ooo
> 
> I'm right over here why can't you see me, ooo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER TOOK ME TWENTY YEARS TO WRITE AND IM SO SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG!   
> I ended up writing way more than I planned and then I had camp last week and then I moved this weekend, so you can probably imagine how I stressed I was. I'm probably not going to be able to post another chapter till after this next week (I'm going out of town), but once I'm back I should be back on a regular schedule until I go vacation. 
> 
> I also posted some one shots about Michael's friendships with Rich and Chloe, they're not essential to this story but you can read them if you would like.
> 
> Thank you all for your comments and support, I love each and everyone of you!

Dancing on my own- Robyn 

 

Christine Canigula. 

Oh what could be said about Christine Canigula? She was a tiny, cute, ball of energy. She was funny and smart and adorable. Christine Canigula was everything that Michael wasn't. And Jeremy was in love with her. 

 

****

It started back in freshmen year. It had been just like any other day, except that day Jeremy was weirdly off in his own thoughts. He had been in a daze since first hour and Michael had been trying to snap him out of it all lunch. 

"Dude!" He yelled while waving his hand in front of Jeremy's face. The other boy jumped in his seat. 

"What?" He asked, confusion written all over his face. "What did I miss?" 

"I've been trying to talk to you for the past ten minutes and you've just been off in your head! Where are you!?" Michael exclaimed while waving his hands about. Jeremy blushed a dark red. 

"O-oh I'm so-sorry!" Jeremy stuttered, refusing too look at his best friend. 

"Seriously man, what's up with you?" Michael asked, then he looked around to check if anyone was listening. "Did something happen with your mom last night?" Jeremy shook his head quickly. 

"No! It's just... Well um..." Jeremy bit his lip, and blushed even an even darker red. 

"C'mon Jer, tell me what's up?" Jeremy flicked his eyes up to Michael. 

"Well there's this... Girl..." Jeremy said quietly. Michael's heart dropped into his stomach. Of course there was a girl. Michael should of expected this... He should of known someone would eventually come in and steal Jeremy's heart away. Someone who wasn't him... Michael felt a like crying a little bit. 

No. 

No, he couldn't do that right now. Jeremy had a crush on someone and he should be happy for him. He needed to be a good friend. Michael took a deep breath and forced a smile. 

"Oh my god man! That's great!" Michael lied. "Who is she?" Jeremy turned pale. 

"Who is she?" He asked.

"Yeah, who's this mystery girl? I wanna know everything about her!" Actually he really didn't want to know anything about her, but he wanted to be a good friend. 

"Oh! Um well... Um her name is..." Jeremy bit his lip again, then his head shot up. "Her name is Christine!" 

"Christine Canigula?" Michael asked. Jeremy nodded quickly. "Well... Well that's great man! I'm happy for you!" 

"Thanks..." Jeremy said, almost sounding disappointed. Michael looked down at his tray. 

"So tell me about her. What do you like about her?" Michael asked quietly, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. 

"Um well... She's really funny, like she's hilarious. And she's smart." Jeremy said dreamily. "And she's really cute... And I really want to know what it's like to kiss her... And yeah..." 

"Oh..." Michael whispered, he was fighting back tears at this point. "That's really great..." 

"Yeah..." Jeremy said. The bell rang and the two friends said their goodbyes then went off in different directions. Before Michael headed to class he stopped by the bathroom, he felt sick.

 

****

Jeremy talked about Christine a lot. Like all the time. He talked about how pretty her dark eyes were. How her smile made her feel. How she had the cutest laugh. Christine. Christine. Christine. 

At this point Michael had just gotten used to the sickening feeling in his chest whenever Jeremy brought Christine up. He was used to lying through his teeth whenever he said he was happy for Jeremy and was glad to be his wing man. He was used to the stab of jealousy whenever he felt whenever Jeremy sighed dreamily over Christine. 

He was used to the pain. 

And the worst part of it was that he couldn't hate Christine. The few times he had talked to Christine Michael had gotten a good read on her personality. From what he could tell, she was everything Jeremy said she was and then some. She was funny, and cute, and quirky, and really really nice. Christine Canigula was too damn perfect to hate. A part of him really wished he was Christine. 

But he wasn't...

So he just dealt with it. 

He forced a smile whenever Jeremy went on his love sick rants. He pushed away his feelings whenever Jeremy asked him to go talk to her for him. He blinked away his tears whenever Jeremy wondered aloud what it would be like if he could kiss her. He did this all for Jeremy. 

Jeremy who was his best friend. 

Jeremy who was his rock.

Jeremy who was his world.

Jeremy who's feelings Michael always put above his own. 

Jeremy who he was so in love with. 

Jeremy 

Jeremy

Jeremy...

 

****

Michael couldn't sleep. The memories of what had just happened hour before were still flashing through his mind.

Jeremy's skin. 

Jeremy's laugh. 

Jeremy's hands intertwined with his. 

Jeremy's lips against his. 

Michael brushed his fingers against his lips. God, for just a moment everything had been so perfect. Then everything hurt. 

They hadn't talked about it. After dinner they went back down to the basement, this time sitting far far away from each other, and watched the rest of their movies. Silently. Half way through Toy Story three Jeremy fell asleep on the couch, Michael turned off the movie, and tried to fall asleep. But he just couldn't. Thoughts just kept running throughout his head. 

Jeremy's skin 

Jeremy's laugh.

Jeremy's hands intertwined with his. 

Jeremy's lips on his. 

He probably should wake him up so they could talk about it. They needed to talk about it. Michael needed to talk about. Even if it was just to know for sure that he didn't dream it up. 

Jeremy's skin. 

Jeremy's laugh. 

Jeremy's hands intertwined with his.

Jeremy's lips on his. 

Michael bit his lip and started to move towards the sleeping boy. 

Jeremy's skin. 

Jeremy's laugh. 

Jeremy's hands intertwined with his. 

Jeremy's lips on him. 

Right as he was about to wake him up a thought hit him like a speeding train.

Jeremy was in love with Christine. 

Jeremy probably imagined Christine while that all happened. 

Jeremy wasn't kissing Michael. He was kissing Christine. 

Michael felt tears welling up his eyes. He slowly walked back to the chair he was sitting on. He sank down in it and cried silently. 

He was such an idiot. 

Such an idiot. 

He felt like there was an elephant sitting on his chest and the pressure was suffocating him. 

Why did he say yes? He knew this was happen. He knew he would be hurting himself more than anything else. He just couldn't help himself. He just couldn't say no. Then again he had never been good at saying no to Jeremey. 

At the moment it had felt so good and so right but now... Now it felt like someone had tore his heart out and stomped on it with cleats. He knew what it was like to kiss Jeremy but was the pain worth it? 

He wasn't sure.

Jeremy's skin. 

Jeremy's laugh. 

Jeremy's hands intertwined with his. 

Jeremy's lips on his

All he could do was remember and regret. 

Jeremy's skin. 

Jeremy's laugh. 

Jeremy's hands intertwined with his. 

Jeremy's lips on his. 

 

****

(Trigger warning for body dysmorphia. Ends at ****) 

Michael stared into the mirror in front of him. He had just gotten out of the shower and he was faced with his bare chest. If he could even call it that. Michael had never liked his body. He was really tall. Like taller than everyone at his school tall. He had stretch marks everywhere from growing way too fast. On his shoulders. On his thighs. All up his torso. They looked like he had been clawed by a bear or something. 

He was also kind of chubby, or in Michael's words he was fat. Whenever he looked into the mirror he looked he didn't see what everyone else saw, he saw someone ugly and disgusting. That's why he wore clothes that practically engulfed him. No one could tell what he looked like under his clothes. 

The small ugly voice inside his head whispered to him in moments like these. 

'You're ugly.' 

'You're disgusting' 

'No wonder Jeremy likes Christine instead of you'

'No one could ever love you while looking like that' 

'He's probably revolted by you' 

'He could never love you' 

'He will never love you'

'Jeremy will never love you' 

Michael quickly put on his clothes as he quietly sobbed. The voice in his head was still talking though. 

'Disgusting' 

'Revolting'

'Gross'

'Ugly'

'Unlovable' 

Michael quickly exited the bathroom, tears still streaming down his face. 

****

Michael was having pretty good day. He woke up feelings good. No one had bothered him. He got his favorite sushi roll. The lady working at seven eleven gave him more slushy than usual. Bob Marley was blaring through his headphones. Only one thing could make his day better. Well, one person.

"Michael!" Speak of the devil. Michael felt a grin creep into his face. Michael walked (well more liked danced) over to where Jeremy was. 

"Jeremy, my buddy, how's it hanging? Lunch is banging had my sushi, got my slushy, and more! The roll was negimaki and I'm feeling kinda cocky cuz sev elev gave me a generous pour!" Michael sang, Jeremy laughed at his best friend. 

"You're listening to Bob Marley again, aren't you?" Jeremy guessed. 

"I'm listening to Marley, and the groove is hella gnarly and we're almost at the end of this song. Yeah that was the end." Michael pulled off his earphones and looked at his friend. Jeremy looked exhausted, which was kinda normal for Jeremy but it was even worse than usual. "Now tell me friend, how was class, you look like ass, what's wrong?" Jeremy pulled his backpack off the ground and put on the table so Michael could see it.

"BOYF, what does the even mean?!" Michael raised an eyebrow then put his own bag on the table next to Jeremy's. When pushed together the bags said boyfriends. "Jesus Christ, I hate this school." Jeremy whispered under his breath. 

"I know right, who the hell thinks gay jokes are still funny?" Michael snorted, Jeremy shrugged. 

"Probably Rich." His best friend guessed. 

"Probably." He said in agreement "Any good news?" 

"Um well, I wrote a letter to Christine telling her how I feel." Jeremy said awkwardly. Michael ignored the sting and smiled at his best friend, his smiles weren't forced anymore. Sometime at the beginning of junior year Michael had finally accepted that Jeremy would never like him and that he should just be happy to be friends. Yeah, the ache was still there but it didn't hurt as much. Michael just got really fucking tired of feeling jealous whenever he saw Christine or whenever Jeremy got really mushy gushy about her, so he thought to himself 'why can't I just ignore and repress my stupid feelings and just be happy for him?'. So he did. Now that he had finally accepted he felt free. 

"That's progress!" He exclaimed.

"I tore it up and flushed it." Michael groaned. "It's still progress." Jeremy looked miserable so Michael tried to think of something to cheer him up. 

"It's all good. I saw, on Discovery, that humanity has stopped evolving!" Jeremy looked slightly terrified. 

"That's good?" Shit, time to back track. It was hard for people, even people like Jeremy and his parents, to fully keep up with Michael's brain. To Michael when he said stuff it totally made sense, but only because it was in his head. Michael had all the pieces and threads, but no one else did. That's why he had such a hard time making friends, no one really got him or took the time to get him. But Jeremy did. 

"Evolution is survival of the fittest, right? But now, because of technology... You don't have to be strong to survive! Which means there's never been a better time in history to be a loser!" Jeremy laughed at Michael's enthusiasm. "So own it! Why try to be cool when you can be-" 

"Signing up for the play!" Jeremy exclaimed, cutting Michael off. 

"I was going to say getting stoned in my basement, but-" 

"No!" Jeremy exclaimed as he flapped his hands. "Look who's signing up for the play!" Michael looked over to where Jeremy was staring at to see none other Christine Canigula writing her name down on the sign up sheet. "Christine..." Jeremy sighed, Michael smiled at his friend. 

"Christine." Michael replied. After a moment of pause Jeremy opened his mouth. Then he shut it. Then he opened it again. 

"I'm gonna sign up." Jeremy said. Michael was taken aback. 

"Really?"

"Yeah... Yeah! Yeah I'm gonna do it!" Jeremy said, he was beaming. Michael felt his heart flutter at how adorable his best friend was. 

"Than do it man! I think it would be good for you!" 

"You really think so?" Michael nodded, and that's all it took for Jeremy to stand up . "Okay I'm gonna do it!" Jeremy exclaimed. 

"You got this!" Michael replied as Jeremy walked over to the sign up sheet. Michael chuckled and put his headphones back on. Yeah, maybe Jeremy would never feel the same way Michael felt but that was okay. Because Jeremy was already an amazing friend and Michael really didn't want to mess up what they had. What they had was good. What they had was constant, and Michael hated rocking the boat. So just being Jeremy's friend was enough. For now at least.

****

"Apocalypse of the damned!" Michael exclaimed as they walked into Jeremy's bedroom. 

"Level nine!" Jeremy replied with just as much excitement and enthusiasm. They both threw their bags, which still read BOYF and RIENDS on them, onto Jeremy's bed and plopped down onto their respective bean bags. 

"The Cafetorium!" They cried in sync, the two boys laughed at their levels of nerdyness. After a long day at school the boys had decided to just relax and play some video games. Michael turned on the Console and started the game up.

"You remember the strategy?" Michael asked as he pressed played. Jeremy smiled with a big toothy grin that always made Michael's heart flutter. 

"Find the bad guy, push them aside!" He exclaimed.

"Then move on forward with your friend at your side!" Michael replied. 

"It's a two player game so when they make an attack you know you got a brother, gonna have your back!" The boys said in sync. "And if you stay on track- AHHH!- remain on course and if they give you the smack you- GAH!- use your force! And if you leave your brother behind its lame, cause it's effed up world but it's a two player game!" Every once and awhile they would look at each other with matching grins. This was their thing. This was what they were good at, kicking virtual zombie ass. And they did it best when they did it together. 

They had been going strong until they got to the final boss and it absolutely destroyed them. 

"Are you shitting me right now?!" Michael cried. Jeremy just sunk down in his bean bag chair and began to shout at the heavens above. 

"Can't the universe do a solid and let us beat this level! Haven't you fucked me over enough today!" Michael chuckled softly at his friend's misery. 

"Hey man it wasn't that bad." 

"Yes it was Michael!" Jeremy looked distressed beyond belief. "I embarrassed myself not only in front of Christine but the entire student body!" Jeremy sunk down some more. "I don't know why you hang out with me I'm such a loser." Michael smiled softly at Jeremy. 

"Dude, you are cooler than a vintage cassette! It's just that no one else but me thinks that yet." Jeremy sat up a bit as Michael wrapped an arm around him. "You're just a nothing in this high school scheme, but it's no big cause you and I are a team." Jeremy giggled a bit. 

"I guess you're right." 

"Of course I am!" Michael said with a sure smile. "We like out of print games! Retro skates! We even have matching Pac-Man tattoos!" Michael said as he pulled up his sleeve. Jeremy smiled as he followed Michael actions and rolled up his own sleeve. On Michael's arm there was Pac-Man chasing a little red ghost, Jeremy's was practically the same except his ghost was blue. 

"I still can't believe we managed to get them." Jeremy thought aloud, Michael snorted. 

"Dude, everything is legal in New Jersey." Jeremy nodded in agreement. "Look I know nobody here appreciates these things like we do, but soon we'll be together where they do!" 

"Not this again!" Jeremy groaned. Michael laughed.

"Cause guys like us are cool in college! Cool in college, this I know! We'll rule in college!" Jeremy rolled his eyes. "Listen bro, high school is hell but we navigate it well! Cause what we do is we make it a two player game!" 

"Yeah but high school still sucks." 

"Yeah but in college we won't be lame." Jeremy snorted. 

"You don't know that for sure." 

"Yes I do, now shut up and let's kick this level's ass." Jeremy smirked and nodded with determination. Michael pressed play.

"We do got this!" Michael said with same amount of confidence. Their characters picked up their weapons and entered the Cafetorium. 

"Shit!" Jeremy yelled as he was immediately tackled by a zombie. 

"Fuck!" Michael cried as he hastily tried to get said zombie off of Jeremy. 

"Zombie!" Zombie on Michael left. 

"Watch out!" Zombie on Jeremy's right. 

"AHHH!" Two at the same time. 

"Fuck!" One holding an axe. 

"Bitch!" Lost a weapon. 

"Shit shit shit shit shit!" Health bar quickly dwindling. 

"Wah!" Boss battle. 

"Oh!" Dead. 

"Awwww." The game over screen flashed on the screen. Jeremy groaned and ran a hand through his hair. Michael squeezed Jeremy's shoulder. 

"Dude don't worry, we got this. If we can make through middle school we can beat a level of a video game." Jeremy chuckled. 

"Middle school was the worst." Jeremy said, Michael chuckled fondly. "It's sometimes crazy to think how long we've been friends." Jeremy nodded in agreement. 

"As losers we have fought together for years, both Nintendo zombies and our popular peers." Jeremy sighed as he gestured to the screen. "Now we're stuck on a level and I want to move on." 

"Just wait two years, where upon you'll realize guys like us are cool in college!" Michael exclaimed as he threw his hands up in the air, Jeremy rolled his eyes. 

"Dude I know, I get it!" 

"Guys like us are cool in college!" 

"But we're not in college." Jeremy dead-panned, Michael waved him off. 

"All the same. High school is wack (just like crack), but we have each others back!" He held out his fist to Jeremy, his best friend smiled a bit and bumped it. "It's me and you, cause we make it a two player game." 

"Okay I'm ready lets go again." Michael nodded and pressed play. 

"Gah!" A zombie attack Jeremy. "Oh!" Michael sliced the zombie in half. Another was on them in a matter of seconds. "Zombie!" 

"Hello?" A voice called from behind the closed door.

"Blood!" 

"Son?" 

"Claws!" 

"JEREMY!" The two boys groaned. 

"Pause." Jeremy's dad walked through the door. Without pants. Jeremy shrieked with embarrassment.

"Ahh! Dad! Pants!" 

"Is that a girl? Are you in here with a girl? Oh. Hi Michael!" Jeremy's dad said with fake cheer. Michael waved at Mr. Heere. Ever since Jeremy's mom left his dad had been going through a lot of shit. He wasn't the same man Michael had always thought of as a second dad growing up. He was just a shell of him. He wasn't hardly there for Jeremy any more. He didn't talk to his friends. He barely left the house for anything other than work. Oh, and he didn't wear pants anymore. 

"Hey, Mr. Heere." Michael said as he waved awkwardly at him. Mr. Heere raised a brow at Michael for calling him (in the twelve years of knowing him Michael had always called him by his actual name, Greg, but lately he hadn't felt comfortable calling him by name).

"Anyways, I was going to order some pizza. If there's something you boys want-" Jeremy cut him off. 

"Did you get dressed today? Like at all?" Michael could sense the irritation fuming off of Jeremy. 

"Oh..." Jeremy's dad scratched the back of his head nervously. "Well they didn't need me at the office. So I worked at home." 

"Most people wear pants at home." Jeremy dead-panned. 

"That's why most people... Aren't your dad..." Greg said sadly. "Good talk." Then he walked out the door, shutting it behind him. Michael looked at his best friend, who was now slouched in his chair looking pissed off as all hell. 

"How's he doing?"

"What does it look like?" Jeremy sighed. "I just wished he would realize that we're so much better with out her. I wish I didn't feel like I was going through this alone." 

"I know Jer. Trust me I know." Michael squeezed Jeremy's shoulder. "He'll get better you just gotta be patient with him." 

"I know..." Michael gave him a small smile. Jeremy was looking at the floor lost in thought.

"Anything else you wanna talk about?" 

"Yeah... So Rich stopped me in the bathroom earlier today." Michael instantly felt his over protective mother instincts take over.

"What happened? Did he hurt you? I won't hesitate to kick him the nards tomorrow if he did, I wouldn't even have to raise me leg that high to do it." Jeremy laughed. 

"Don't worry man it was nothing bad, he was just telling me about... Well I'm not fully sure what he was talking about." Michael raised a brow. "He kept going on about this drug, that apparently isn't a drug, that made him the popular guy he is today." 

"That's weird." 

"He said he could hook me up with one." Michael pulled out his phone. 

"What's it called?" 

"A SQUIP." 

"A quick?" 

"No a SQUIP. S Q U I P." Michael typed it into his search engine and nothing popped up. 

"That's weird." He said. 

"Yeah Rich mentioned that you couldn't find anything about it on the Internet." 

"So what do you know about it?" 

"Well I know that it's from Japan, it's a grey oblong pill that apparently contains a super computer that's helps you be cool, and it could be all mine at the low low price of 600 dollars." 

"What the actual fuck." 

"My thoughts exactly man." 

"Dude that's the biggest piece of bullshit I've ever heard." Jeremy bit his lip. "Wait... You aren't actually thinking about checking it out." 

"I don't know..." Jeremy sighed. "I just can't help but imagining what if. What if it works? What if this could actually help me? Or at the very least help me be more chill." 

"I don't know Jer, I think he's just scamming you... He's scamming you super weirdly." 

"I know it seems like it -" 

"Rich said he would you a super computer you can vore for six hundred dollars, yeah it's definitely a scam." 

"Listen, Rich said his hook up's is at Payless, what if we go their ourselves? Just to see if his story checks out?" Michael tried to swallow the terrible feeling in his gut (the one screaming at him that this was the worst possible idea ever). 

"And if it does? Will you be too cool for..." Michael bit his lip and choose his next words very carefully. "Video games?" Jeremy smiled softly at him. 

"No way." Jeremy whispered, Michael tried to hide his relief. Jeremy laid his head on Michael shoulder, Michael felt the old familiar fluttering feeling in the pit of his stomach. "You know that you are my favorite person, that doesn't mean I can't still dream..." Michael grinned at his best friend.

"Is it really true? I'm your favorite person?!" Michael mocked, Jeremy chuckled. 

"Yeah, you really are." He said softly, Michael forced off the swarm of butterflies in his stomach. "We're never not gonna be a team." Jeremy held out his fist. 

"Hell yeah." Michael replied as he bumped Jeremy's fist. 

"High school is shit, and you've gotta help me conquer it. It just what we do-" 

"We make it a two player game." Michael finished for him. Jeremy laughed as he wrapped his arms around Michael in a side hug. 

The next day they would go to that Payless and their lives would be changed for forever. 

 

****

 

Michael, even years later down the road, wonders what he could of done to stop the events that happened that next day. Maybe if he just insisted a bit more Jeremy would have never gotten the SQUIP. Maybe if he convinced Jeremy it really was a scam Jeremy wouldn't be waking up to awful night terrors all the time. Maybe if had just tried a bit harder to stop Jeremy they wouldn't be in this mess. 

But at the same time, Michael thinks of the events that took place didn't happen then they would of never wound up where they were now. And Michael rather liked where they did end up, even if it took a journey through hell to get there.

 

****

(Trigger warning for self harm references and suicidal thoughts. Ends at ****) 

Transitioning back into normalcy was rough (in my best insanely cool Jared Kleinman voice: kinky) to say the least. Jeremy had apologized, well sorta, at the play but Michael couldn't shake all the hurt he had felt the past few months off. He couldn't look at Jeremy without feeling the loneliness he had felt. He couldn't talk to him without thinking about the all the times Jeremy had ignored him. He couldn't be around Jeremy without remembering what had happened in that damn bathroom. 

So he did what he did best. Ignore and repress all his thoughts and feelings. 

The first time they tried to hang out was two days after the events of the play. Jeremy had come over to Michael's house and they tried to play some Apocalypse of the Damned but they couldn't through even two minutes of the level. Jeremy jumped at every little noise and freaked out whenever he would catch himself slouching. Michael couldn't stop thinking about what went down that night at the Halloween party. 

He had nightmares about it nearly every night. 

In one the fire reached the bathroom and he couldn't move so the flames consumed him. 

In another Jeremy died in the fire. 

In many of them Michael ended up offing himself. 

But the one that haunted him the most was one where it was just Jeremy calling him that name over and over again. 

Loser

Loser 

Loser 

Loser

Lose- 

Michael stopped his thoughts as soon as he recognized the familiar feeling of panic beginning course through his body.

'Not now anxiety.' He said to himself. 'Ignore and repress it.' 

So he did. Michael gritted his teeth and forced all emotions away. 

Normally Jeremy would have taken immediate notice of this, he would stopped Michael and made him feel better. Sadly, this wasn't normal. 

After of forty minutes of trying, and failing, to find some kind of rhythm they decided to call it for the day and try again another time. Maybe next time they would be able to flow with each other again. 

They didn't. 

They tried again and again and again and again, but no matter what they tried nothing seemed to work. Not playing video games. Not getting stoned. Not watching their favorite movies or YouTube channels. Not even playing with the lizards worked.

Michael was beginning to really worry that he had lost Jeremy forever, he didn't want that to happened again. Not again. So he kept trying and trying and trying. Until he crashed and burned. 

One day they were playing Mario Kart in absolute silence. It wasn't the comfortable silence Michael was used to, it was like a void. A void that was screaming every unspoken word. It screamed about how much Jeremy hurt Michael. About how hurt Michael still was. About what happened in the bathroom. About the scars that now covered his inner arms. The void was screaming and it was slowly driving Michael crazy. 

Silence

'Ignore and repress.' Michael said himself.

Silence 

The void was overwhelming.

Silence 

'Ignore and repress' 

Silence

Michael felt it wrapping around him.

Silence

'Ignore and repress.'

Silence

It was was slowly crushing him.

Silence 

'Ignore and repress.' 

Silence

He couldn't breathe.

Silence 

'Ignore and repress!' 

Silence 

He was fighting back tears.

Silence 

'IGNORE AND REPRESS!'

Silence

It was killing him. 

Silence 

Silence 

Silence 

Sile-

"Michael are you alright?" Jeremy asked quietly. 

And just like that Michael's walls came crumbling down. 

He stopped fighting back the tears. He stopped ignoring. He stopped repressing. He stopped, because just couldn't keep up the fucking act. He just couldn't do it anymore. 

"Michael," Jeremy said, his voice shaking. "Please tell me what's wrong." Michael opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was a strangled sob. All the pain that Michael had been feeling the past few months came crashing down on him all of once. 

He couldn't think. 

He couldn't breathe. 

He was drowning. 

He was- 

Jeremy hesitantly placed a shaking hand on top of Michael's. The small gesture calmed Michael just enough for him to gain control of his breathing. After a minute Jeremy laced his fingers between Michael's, Michael gasped softly. Jeremy quickly let go. 

"No," Michael said as he took Jeremy's hand in his again. "It just surprised me." Jeremy looked at him and nodded. 

"Are you okay?" He asked quietly. Michael shook his head. "Do you wanna talk about it?" Michael bit his lip but nodded.

"Yeah..." He took a deep breath, then laid (almost) everything out on the table. 

He told Jeremy about the loneliness. 

He told Jeremy about how much it hurt when he left him. 

He told Jeremy about the bathroom. 

He told him about how he had gotten so close to the edge that he was able to look over it. 

He showed Jeremy the many cuts going down his arms. 

He told Jeremy how much he missed him. 

He told Jeremy how much he still missed him. 

He told Jeremy how he was afraid he was going to lose him and that he would be alone again.

He told Jeremy everything except how much he loved him. 

And Jeremy sat there and listened. He didn't interrupt Michael, he didn't say a word, he just nodded and cried silently.

Once Michael was done Jeremy opened his mouth for the first time in an hour. 

"I never meant to make such a mess... I never meant for it to go this far... So I just sit here sorry, searching for something to say. But words fail to show how incredibly sorry I am. Words fail to justify what I did to you. Words fail to fix anything." Jeremy let out a tiny sob. 

"Jeremy..." Michael whimpered. 

"I just thought maybe if I used the SQUIP it would help me be cool and chill. Cause maybe if I was cool and chill my mom wouldn't have left and my dad wouldn't be so depressed. Maybe if I was cool and chill I would finally be worthy to be your... Your friend..." Jeremy looked down at their still linked hands. "That's not a worthy explanation, I know there is none... Nothing can make sense of all these things I've done. Words fail there's nothing I can say. Except sometimes you see everything you wanted and sometimes you see everything you wished you had and it's right there in front of you and you want to believe that you actually have a chance to have it..." Jeremy wiped his tears with his sleeve. 

"Jer..." Jeremy chuckled sadly. 

"It's funny because in an attempt to make myself worthy of you I ended up just not deserving you at all Michael." 

"That's not true." 

"Yes it is Michael. You're so good and amazing and perfect and you can just be yourself and not even be ashamed a little bit. But me... I'm just a pile of broken parts. I pretend that I'm something other than this mess that I am. And even after all I did to you, after how badly I hurt you still stayed with me. You still saved me Michael." Jeremy sniffed. "So I don't deserve you.... And I never will..."

"Jer..." He cupped Jeremy's face in his hands. "It's not about deserving... God, if it was about deserving then no relationship would ever work because that's not what it's about. It's about trusting that the other person will think you're enough just the way you are and to forgive you whenever you fall short." Jeremy bit his lip, tears falling down his cheeks. "Jeremy you don't have to do anything to prove you're worthy too me because I already think you're more than enough." 

"I am?" 

"Yes, yes you are." Michael said. "And I'm not perfect. I'm as just as big of a mess as you are, but that's fine because I like it like that." 

"Why through?" Jeremy asked. "Why would you ever like being a mess like me?" 

"Because that means we match." Michael said with a small smile. Jeremy just stared at him with his beautiful sad eyes.

Silence 

Silence 

Silence 

"So does that mean you'll ever be able to forgive me?" Jeremy asked cautiously.

"Jeremy I've already forgiven you." Michael said (forgiveness can you imagine). Something flickered in Jeremy's expression, that Michael couldn't read, then he rushed forward and wrapped his arms Michael. 

Both boys were crying and tired and so fucking relived, because they both knew that they were going to be okay. They were going to make it through this nightmare, because they had each other and that's all that mattered.

 

****

The one and only good thing to come out of this whole mess was that after the whole linking brains thing at the play Jeremy had become really good friends with Jake, Jenna, Brooke, Christine, Chloe, and Rich. And since they were a package deal Michael became friends with them as well. It was weird, Michael had never really talked to anyone at school (other than Jeremey) but now people like Brooke and Jake were now going up to him and the halls and starting conversations with him or inviting him out to lunch with them. 

The two people he had become the closest to were Chloe and Rich, which was probably the weirdest thing to come out this whole thing because before all this Michael pretty much hated both of their guts. Rich because he was just an all around asshole. Chloe because one time in second grade she stole of Michael's crayons and dumped them in the in the toilet, and Michael could hold one hell of a grudge. He never thought he would ever be friends with ether of them, then one day they became their own little trio. 

One day the three were hanging out in Michael's basement, doing their regular routine (watching a Netflix show, painting each other's nails, eating junk food, and talking about their crushes on their best friends).

"Did I tell you how fucking cute looked the other day?" Chloe said as popped open another pringle can. "She was wearing this yellow sundress she bought the day before and she was just so- AHHH! Like it isn't fair how cute she is." 

"I feel ya Chlo," Rich said. "I was hanging out with Jake the other day and he was showing off some basketball tricks or whatever, and I swear it was like he was trying to get me to kiss him." 

"Guys that all sound well and great but I think I win on who has it the worse." Michael said, the two other teens turned their attention to him.

"What did Jeremy do now?" They asked unison. Michael blushed.

"You know how I told you he's really touchy-feely when he's high?" The other two nodded. "Well we were getting stoned yesterday and he climbed into my lap and just wrapped his arms around me, like it was just a normal thing that friends do all the time." Chloe's eye twitched and Rich glared at him. 

"It's because he doesn't think of you as a friend Mell!" The both exclaimed, both equally exasperated with their friend.

"Yes he does." Michael mumbled.

"Michael Mell, that boy is head over heels in love with you!" Chloe yelled. "The way he looks at you says it all!" 

"Valentine, he's in love with Christine." Michael said. "We've been over this." Chloe rolled her eyes and looked at Rich telling him that it was turn.

"Look dude, I really do think you should at least talk with Jeremy about it." Rich said. "I think you'll be pleasantly surprised." 

"I've tried talking about it with but life comes to kick me in the ass every time." Michael cried. 

"Well try again!" Chloe yelled. Rich glared at her, then he leaned forward and placed a hand on Michael's shoulder. 

"What she's trying to say is that you aren't alone this time." Rich squeezed his friend's shoulder. "We can help you Michael." Michael looked up at him. 

"You would do that for me?" He asked, Rich smiled at him.

"Of course dude," he said. "That's what friends are for." Michael bit his lip and nodded.

"Okay... Okay let's do this." Both of his friends let out and ecstatic cheer. He laughed at them but then a realization came crashing down on Michael. "How am I going to do this?" Chloe smirked. 

"I think I've got an idea. 

 

****

 

They had been preparing for a week. Chloe had been in charge of location, timing, and even chose Michael's clothes. Rich and Michael wrote down what he was going to say. 

~  
"You gotta tell him that he excites you sexually." Rich suggested. Chloe and Michael stared at him.

"No." They both said in sync.  
~

In the end Michael was pretty pleased with the results. 

~  
"It's perfect, Mell!" Chloe exclaimed after reading it. "You are totally going to make out with him after reading this!" Michael blushed a dark red. 

"Sh-shut u-up!" He stuttered out, as his two friends laughed at him.  
~

The day had come where Michael was going to finally tell Jeremy how he felt and he was a nervous wreck.

"I'm going to throw up." He said while they were driving over to Jeremy's house. 

"You better not throw up in my car!" Chloe exclaimed (they were in Chloe's car because Michael's was in the shop). Rich rubbed circles into Michael's back.

"You're going to be just fine buddy." Rich cooed. "Just breathe." Michael took in a deep breath, held it, then pushed it out. "Good." Rich had actually gotten really good at talking Michael through his panic attacks (it was because Jeremy had taught him).

"I'm good now." Michael said after two minutes. "I'm just really nervous." 

"It's going to be okay Michael." Chloe said softly. Michael blinked in surprise, Chloe rarely called him anything other than Mell. "Jeremy loves you a lot, we know what we're talk about." 

"But what if you're wrong?" He asked helplessly. "What if he doesn't like me like that and he totally rejects me?" 

"Then we owe you a shit ton of ice cream." Rich said with small smile on his face. 

"If he rejects then you'll have our shoulders to cry on." Chloe said. 

"You would do the same for us." Rich said. Michael smiled at his friend.

"Thanks guys." He said. They turned the corner of Jeremy's house. 

"You ready?" Rich asked as the car stopped. 

"As ready as I'll ever be." He said.

"You got this, Mell!" Chloe said, Rich nodded in agreement. 

"Okay I'm ready." Michael turned to get out the car, then froze with his hand on the door handle. He felt his heart sink to the bottom of stomach. 

"What's wrong Mich..." Rich turned to see what Michael was looking at "Oh..." On Jeremy's porch stood Jeremy and Christine... Kissing... Michael was going to cry.

"Michael... I'm so sorry." Chloe whispered. 

"Can you- Can you just take me home, please." Michael was holding back any and all tears, Chloe nodded and drove back to Michael's house. The drive was silent. 

'Ignore and repress Michael.' He thought to himself. 'Get over it. You knew something like this would happen. Ignore and repress.'

Once at his house Michael wordlessly got out the car.

"Do you want us to come in with you?" Rich asked, Michael shook his head.

"I just want to be alone right now." His two friends looked at each other with matching concerned looks, but then nodded. Michael watched them drive off then went into his house. Thankfully his parents weren't home so he could cry with out being disturbed. Michael pulled out his phone as shut the door to his room, there were three messages. 

Valentine: are you going to be okay Michael? I'm worried.

Dick: hey just call me if you need to talk.

Jerbear: hey we're you at my house? I thought I saw you In Chloe's car. Are you okay?

'Ignore and repress.' 

Michael ignored the texts and clicked onto his Spotify app. He had no clue what he wanted to listen to so he just clicked shuffle on his song library and he figured he would just skip until he found a good one. Turns out he wouldn't need to skip at all. 

Sombody said you gotta a new friend

Does she love you better than I can

Michael sat his phone down on his desk and began to dance around his room, not stopping to wipe the tears from his eyes. 

There's a big black skin over my town 

I know where you're at, I bet she's around

'Ignore and repress.'

Yeah I know it's stupid, but I just gotta see it for myself 

Michael sang along with the chorus.

I'm in the corner watch you kiss her ooo

Tears pouring down his face

I'm right over why can't you see me ooo

His heart was breaking. 

I'm giving it my all but I'm not the guy you're taking home ooo

'Ignore and repress.' 

I keep dancing on my own

But he just couldn't do, he couldn't ignore the pain and repress his feelings. It was too much this time. 

I keep dancing on my own...

He just couldn't do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter Jeremy's pov


	4. The Only Exception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But darling, you are the only exception....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I love Jeremy Heere  
> Also me: hurt him. Hurt him real good.
> 
>  
> 
> I am so sorry this took forever to get out but here it is! Also sorry ahead of time for any grammar mistakes, I didn't read through cause I just wanted to be done.

The Only Exception- Paramore

 

Jeremy Heere had a secret. 

A secret that he had been keeping since the 8th grade. 

A secret only he knew (well him, two other people, and the super computer inside his brain).

A secret not even Michael knew. 

A secret that Michael could never know. 

Because if he told Michael this secret he could lose him forever.

Jeremy's secret was that he was in love with Michael. 

That he had been in love with Michael for the past four years. 

That every time he saw his best friend he had to stop himself from telling him. And holding him. And kissing him. 

He had spent countless nights thinking about Michael until the sun rose. 

Jeremy Heere was madly, crazily, and absolutely in love with Michael Mell.

Let's back track.

 

****

 

In the fifth grade Jeremy made a promise to himself after a particularly awful night at his house. His mother had been screaming and his dad was crying. When she stormed out an hour later Jeremy had asked his dad a question. 

"Why do you stay with her?" He had asked. His dad smiled at him, tears still in his eyes, and answered Jeremy's question honestly.

"Because I love her, Jeremy." He replied quietly. That answer had shaken Jeremy to his core. Whenever the subject of love was talked about in movies, or tv shows, or books, or even in video games, love had been described as this amazing wonderful thing that was supposed to make you happy. It wasn't supposed to hurt you. But here was his dad, showing him that love hurt. A lot. 

As Jeremy went up to his room he decided something, he decided that he wanted no part in this love thing. If it hurt this much, then why would he ever want it. So Jeremy promised to himself that he would never fall in love. 

Too bad that he couldn't keep it. 

****

(Trigger warning for abusive parents. Ends at "He just really needed those gloves.") 

He broke that promise three years later. It happened during the first month of 8th grade. (Now just to clarify: Jeremy wasn't totally lying to Michael when he said he figured out he was bisexual because he saw Jake shirtless, ((that was just the thought planted the idea into his head. Today he would be getting confirmation on his suspicions)) but he wasn't being totally honest ether.) Jeremy realized that he was in love with Michael while they were doing one of the most mundane things in the world, cleaning. 

Jeremy's mother used to make him do all sorts of chores whenever she was angry with him, and if it wasn't clean to her liking she would scream at him and tell him how useless he was. He had gotten really good at cleaning over the years, he even kind of liked it. He liked making everything perfect and nice. He liked how methodical it could be, it was calming. 

There was one thing he couldn't stand doing though, cleaning with the stupid magic eraser. His mother always made him use it and he hated it. He hated the way it felt and it always made him want to throw up whenever he even thought about it (Mini rant from the author: I'm thinking about that stupid white ass sponge bitch right now and I really want to throw up. I hate the magic eraser so fucking much. It can die in a fire. Fuck you Mr. Clean for making the spawn of Satan. Okay rant over I just needed to get that out my system.) Jeremy had found ways to deal with it, like using rubber gloves while using it. 

It was a Saturday when his mother woke him up at 5:30 in the morning after coming home from a late night of work. 

"Wake up, Jeremiah!" She screamed at him, he immediately shot up in bed. 

"What's wrong mom? Did something happen?" She glared at him, rage contorted all over her face. 

"Yes something is fucking wrong!" She began to angrily pace around Jeremy's room. "You and your lazy ass of a father can't even keep this fucking house clean when I'm at work!" 

"I- I'm s- sorry." Jeremy stuttered, shrinking back in fear. 

"Sorry isn't going to cut it!" Before Jeremy could even realize what was happening his mother grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pull him out of bed. "Since your father isn't here right now you're going to be the one who cleans this place while I'm out for the day." She pulled him down the stairs and into the kitchen, once in there she let go and began digging through the cabinets for the cleaning supplies. 

Jeremy didn't say anything, he just stood there frozen in fear. He had only seen her this angry when she was drunk, but he hadn't smelled alcohol on her. Once she pulled everything out she handed him the magic eraser, Jeremy immediately dropped it and began to try to wipe away the feeling on his hand with his pants.

"That's right," His mother muttered under her breath. "you can't stand touching that thing." Her eyes flicked to rubber gloves lying beside the the bottle of bleach, she snatched them and put them in her purse. 

"I need those!" Jeremy cried, she whipped her head around to look at him.

"Well, I need you to get over this thing you have with the magic eraser!" She yelled. 

"I can't get over it!" Jeremy yelled back, amazed with himself that he had actually done it. "I can't handle the texture of it!" His mother gave him a look. 

"Is this about this autism bullshit your father keeps talking to me about." Jeremy was shaking with fear and anger.

"Yes!" His mother snorted.

"That's just a bunch of bullshit lies excuse how much of an imbecile you are!" 

"No it's not! Autism spectrum disorder is an actual condition that has been proven-" He was cut off by his mother slapping him across the face. 

"Shut up, you useless piece of shit!" She grabbed her purse and began to head out of the house. "When I get back this shit hole better be spotless!" She screamed as she slammed the door behind her. Jeremy just stood there in shock, then he began to cry. It was stupid really, he was crying more over the rubber gloves than his mother's anger, or her hatful words, or the stinging sensation on his face, but he couldn't help it. He just really needed those gloves. 

Once he had calmed down enough he started cleaning. He did the easy rooms first, the bedrooms and living room, he didn't need the eraser for those things. While he was finishing up the spare room he heard a knock at the door. 

"Jeremy, my buddy!" Michael exclaimed once Jeremy flung the front door open and let him into the house. His expression went from his usual happy go lucky self to concerned. "What's wrong, you look awful." Jeremy bit his lip as he shut the door behind him. Jeremy hated lying to Michael, he felt like Michael was the one person he could tell anything, so Jeremy just took a deep breath and quickly explained what had happened that morning. When he was done Michael looked furious.

"She slapped you?" He asked behind gritted teeth, Jeremy nodded. "And she said all those things about..." Michael kicked the edge of the staircase. "I can't fucking believe her! Have you even eaten yet?!" 

"No..." Jeremy admitted quietly, he looked down at the floor and wrapped his arms his waist. 

"You've been up since 5:30 Jer and you haven't eaten yet!" Michael ran a hand through his hair. "It's almost 10:00!" 

"I'm sorry..." Jeremy whimpered. 

"Why are you sorry?" Michael asked. 

"I should've stood my ground. I shouldn't of let her treat me like that." Tears began to brim Jeremy's eyes. "God, I'm fucking weak." 

"Jeremy..." Michael reached for his hand. 

"I'm so worthless." Jeremy dug his nails into his arm, hard enough that there was a possibility he could draw blood, he deserved it. 

"Jeremy, stop." Michael begged, Jeremy continued to belittle himself. 

"I'm such a loser. I'm awful. I'm so usel-" Michael wrapped his arms around him. 

"Jeremy, you did nothing wrong." Michael said softly. "You're not useless, or worthless, and you're definitely not weak." 

"Yes I am, Michael." Jeremy sobbed, no longer trying to hold back his tears. "I'm so fucking weak." 

"No, no you're not." Michael let go of him just enough move his hands up to cup Jeremy's face. "Jeremy, you are the strongest person I have ever met. You're getting through this shit situation because you're strong. You're so fucking strong, Jer." Jeremy flicked his eyes up at Michael. 

"You really think so?" He sniffled. Michael smiled at him.

"I know so." When Jeremy finally looked Michael (who was smiling ever so kindly at him and who's eyes shon with love and kindness for his best friend) he felt something he had never felt before, it felt like there a million little butterflies swooping around in his stomach. It felt like being on a roller coaster, it made Jeremy's body tingle all over and his heart began to race. It really nice in a weird way, he kept staring at Michael hoping to keep feeling it. 

Then Michael let go of him and took his hand. Michael's hand felt really nice in his. It fit perfectly, like two puzzle pieces that were meant to be together. 

"C'mon Jer, I'm going to make you some breakfast." Michael said as he pulled him into the kitchen, Jeremy followed him without hesitation. He was sad when Michael eventually let go of his hand to open the fridge. "What do you want to eat, buddy? I can make you an omelet, if you want." Jeremy smiled at him and nodded. 

"Can you make it with lots of cheese." He asked, Michael chuckled.

"Of course, Miah." He said. "Do you want to make some toast." 

"Yeah." Jeremy said, then smirked. "I don't trust you with the toaster anyway." Michael pouted, it was fucking adorable. 

"You cut your thumb on a toaster one time and no one lets it go!" He whined. Jeremy laughed at his best friend, ignoring the fluttering feeling in his chest. 

"You cut your finger on a toaster, Michael! I haven't even done that! And I'm like the king of clumsy accidents!" Michael rolled his eyes.

"Whatever hotshot, just make the damn toast while I make you your flip flopping omelet." Jeremy laughed again, at this point he had totally forgotten the events of this morning. 

"Okay, bossy pants." Jeremy said as he pulled out the toaster. He couldn't stop looking at Michael. Jeremy had never really noticed how freaking beautiful his best friend was before, but he sure as hell noticed it now. Now that he had he couldn't stop noticing. He noticed the way his eyes shinned whenever he smiled at Jeremy. He noticed how soft Michael's hair looked, and he thought about what would be like to run his fingers through it. He noticed the beauty mark on the corner of his mouth. He noticed how his smile made him feel like he was the only person in the world that mattered. 

It was like seeing Michael for the first time. 

When they were done making breakfast they ate and watched Adventure Time. Jeremy wasn't sure when he fell asleep but when he woke up Michael and the plates were gone.

"Michael?" He called groggily.

"I'm upstairs!" He heard from above him. Jeremy sleepily walked upstairs and found Michael scrubbing his bathtub down with the magic eraser. Michael smiled at him when he saw Jeremy standing in the door way. "Well good morning, sunshine!" Jeremy just stared at him.

"What are you doing?" He asked. 

"I'm cleaning the bathroom, what does it look like I'm doing?" Michael said with a raised brow.

"Yeah I can see that, what I meant was why are you cleaning my bathroom?" Michael smiled softly at him. 

"Because your mom took your gloves and makes you clean with this thing," He held up the magic eraser. "so I figured, since it doesn't bother me to hold this thing but it makes you want to throw up when you do, I would just do it for you." Michael said. 

"Really?" Jeremy said, taken aback.

"Really." Michael nodded, Jeremy couldn't stop himself from smiling. 

"Well... Thanks..." Jeremy said. Michael grinned at him, Jeremy's heart decided to gymnastics again.

"Anything for you, Miah." He said softly, Jeremy felt heat rushing to his cheeks. God, what was wrong with him? Maybe he was sick? "Now why don't you bring the rest of the cleaning supplies up here, I'm pretty sure I forgot the toilet bowl cleaner and I need more bleach." Jeremy nodded and made his way downstairs.

'God, I love him...' He thought to himself as he walked into the kitchen. 

Wait...

What?

That couldn't be right.

He didn't love Michael, right?

'I love him.' He thought again. 

But like just as a friend, right? 

'I love him.' 

No this can't be happening.

'I love Michael.' 

The truth hit him like brick wall. 

"Oh my god, I'm in love with Michael." Jeremy whispered to himself as he slowly sank down to the floor. 

No, he couldn't be. 

But he was.

He had fallen in love with his best friend. 

Jeremy felt tears brimming in his eyes. 

What was wrong with him?! Who the hell falls in love with their best friend?! 

His wonderful, amazing, beautiful best friend. 

The best friend who had protected him from bullies for the past nine years.

The best friend who got up at unholy hours of the morning just to come over to his house and comfort him. 

The best friend did stuff like clean his bathroom because he couldn't stand the feeling of a cleaning product. 

The best friend who- 

Okay, so maybe it wasn't so crazy that Jeremy had fallen in love with Michael. It still didn't stop Jeremy from being absolutely terrified. 

He was having a hard time controlling his breathing. 

What was he supposed to do now? Tell Michael? God, that sounded like an awful idea. And what about the promise he had made to never fall in love? What about that? To be fair Michael had always been exception to all his rules. Michael was always the only exception. And what about- 

Oh shit, did this mean he was gay? 

Nope, Jeremy was pretty sure he liked girls. 

But there was that one time when he saw Jake Dillinger shirtless at a pool party and immediately started having gay thoughts. Like lots and lots of gay thoughts. 

Maybe... Bisexual? 

Maybe... 

Oh shit what was he going to do?

Why did he have to realize all of this now!? 

'Goddamnit brain, now really isn't the best time to make me realize that I'm in love with my best friend and possibly bisexual!' He yelled at his brain.

Jeremy felt himself slowly loose control and felt anxiety and fear take over. 

He was going into panic. 

A million what ifs went racing through his thoughts. 

What if Michael hated him if he told him? 

What if Michael wouldn't want to be friends anymore? 

What if Michael left him? 

What if his mom found out? 

What if his mom found out that he liked Michael? 

What if-

"Jeremy are you coming?" He heard Michael call as he walked down the stairs. Jeremy froze. "Jeremy where are-" Michael froze in the door way of kitchen. "Jeremy are you okay?" Jeremy shook his head. "Do you want me to come over there?" He nodded. Michael slowly made his way over to Jeremy and sat next to him. "Can I touch you?" Jeremy nodded again. Michael wrapped one arm around Jeremy and pulled him into him, then he use his other hand to card his fingers through his hair. Jeremy could feel the panic and tension and fear melt away from his body.

"Th-thanks..." He croaked. Michael started humming a song (Don't you forget about me by simple minds). Jeremy buried his face in Michael chest just breathing him in, he smelled like lavender and vanilla and peppermint and safety and home. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Michael asked quietly. Jeremy bit his lip. 

"N-not yet." He admitted. "I'm sorry." Michael chuckled. 

"That's fine, Miah. You can tell me whenever you want." Michael squeezed him a bit, the pressure felt nice. "I'll be here when you're ready." Jeremy nodded. 

"Thanks Michael." He replied, wiping the tears from his eyes. Michael got up off the ground and held a hand out to Jeremy. 

"Now c'mon, we can finish cleaning and then we can go to my house and play smash bro's." Jeremy smiled and took Michael's hand. 

As they finished up cleaning the house Jeremy made a new promise. He promised that one day he would tell Michael how he felt. He promise that one day he would tell Michael that he loved him. 

(Five hours later they would end up coming out to each other in Michael's bathroom.) 

 

****

The weekend was always Jeremy's favorite part of the week. On the weekends Jeremy would go over to Michael's house and they would just play video games, or watch movies, or do whatever they wanted from Friday night to Sunday night. At Michael's house there was no fighting parents so he could actually sleep, and sometimes Michael's parents would take them places (like the zoo or the arcade). 

Other than not having to go to school and getting away from his mother the weekend meant he could spend all his time with Michael. And after figuring out that he was in love with his best friend he didn't want to not be around him. 

Being in love with Michael was easy. Jeremy had already admired him and thought everything about him was wonderful and amazing before he realized his feelings, now he just had to add thinking about doing romantic things with him and he was good to go. 

The hard part was not acting upon those feelings. It was incredibly hard not to just randomly take Michael's hand and hold it out in public for everyone to see. Or snuggle up next to him while they were sitting together playing video games or watching a movie. Or kissing all his thoughts away whenever he was having an anxiety attack. He wanted to do all those things and more with Michael, but he couldn't. So Jeremy settled for just being Michael's friend and his imagination. 

On the weekends he had to turn off his imagination and just pretend like he saw him as a dude bro and not someone he wanted to make out with. One Friday night he got close to letting his imagination taking control. 

"Hey Michael!" Jeremy called as he pushed his way through a crowd of 8th graders to get to the other boy. Michael turned around and smiled at him, Jeremy felt his heart begin to race. 

'Not now feelings.' He scolded himself. 

"Hey Jere!" Michael exclaimed as he shut his locker. "You ready for tonight?" Jeremy nodded as they made their way out the door. 

"What's the plan? Video games until we pass out? Or or! Maybe we could build a massive pillow fort like we used to do!" Jeremy flapped his hands excitedly, Michael giggled. 

"As much as that does sound fun, I was thinking we could actually get out for a change." Michael said as they got on the bus and sat down in their regular seats. Jeremy tilted his head. 

"Well, what is it?" Michael grinned. 

"Well... I was thinking I could take you skating, you were saying you had wanted to learn the other day so I figured I could teach you... You know, if ya want." Jeremy felt a smile growing on his lips and his heart doing little back flips, he knew it wasn't a date but it sure sounded like the premise for one. 

"That sounds great, man!" He exclaimed. Michael's grin grew (that was even possible) even more. 

"Awesome! We can get pizza there too!" 

"Fuck yeah!" Getting even more excited at the mention of pizza 

"Cool, then it's a date!" Jeremy swore his heart stopped.

"A- a wh- what?" Jeremy stuttered. 

"It- it's jus- just a joke!" Michael exclaimed. 

"Pfft, I knew that!" Jeremy laughed nervously. Both boys flushed and looked away from each other, they sat in awkward silence for the rest of the ride. 

Silence 

Silence 

Silence

"So..." Michael said as the bus was coming to his stop. "See you tonight?" Jeremy smiled and nodded, Michael smiled back. "Okay cool, be at my house in an hour." 

"Okay." Michael gathered his stuff and got out of his seat. 

"See you tonight, Jeremy!" He yelled as he rushed off the bus. 

"See you tonight, Michael!" He called back. The doors shut and the bus began to move again, Michael waved at Jeremy as he drove off. Jeremy felt his heart flutter at the gesture and waved back. 

"He's so cute..." Jeremy sighed dreamily. 

"Is he your boyfriend?" The person behind him asked. Jeremy jumped and whipped his head around. Behind him sat a smiling Richard Golanski. 

"What?!" Jeremy squeaked. 

"Is he your boyfriend?" Rich asked again. "You just said he was cute, and you're always together and smiling at each other. So is he or is he not your boyfriend." Jeremy just stared at him. 

"No..." He said slowly. Rich made a face. 

"Well he should be." Rich said sternly. 

"Michael... Michael and I are just friends." Jeremy said, trying not to sound sad at the reality of the situation. 

"Well that sucks... I was hoping you two were dating." Rich sighed. 

"Why?" Rich smiled at him. 

"Cause you two would be adorable!" He exclaimed, Jeremy was pretty sure he had never been this red in his life. Rich bit his lip. "You do like him though, right?" Scratch that, now he's was sure that he had never been this red. The bus came to his stop and Jeremy slung his backpack on. 

"Nope, bye!" Jeremy said quickly while he rushed off. 

"Bye!" Rich called back. "I hope you have a good time with your boyfriend tonight!" Jeremy walked off the bus and his head in his hoodie trying to cover up his embarrassment. 

Two hours later he was at Michael's door. Michael flung open the door and pulled him into the house. 

"Mom! Jeremy's here!" He yelled into the kitchen. 

"I can clearly see that Michael!" His mom yelled back. Jeremy giggled as Michael dragged him into his room. 

"You're excited." Jeremy pointed out. 

"Yes I am!" Michael exclaimed as he put on his shoes. "Now c'mon put your stuff up so we can go!" Jeremy laughed. 

"You're ridiculous." He said as he sat his bag on the bed. 

"Wow, you're just pointing out the obvious today, aren't ya?" Michael deadpanned. 

"Are you ready boys?!" Michael mom called. 

"Yes!" They both yelled. 

"C'mon!" Michael took Jeremy's hand again, rushed them outside, and climbed into the back seats. Michael's parents were sitting in front. 

"Hey Jeremy." His dad said. Jeremy waved at them. 

"Hey Mr. And Mrs. Mell."

"Jeremy, we've known you for nine years, no need to keep it so formal." Michael mom said.

"Yeah, David and June will be just fine." 

"Okay Mr-" Michael's dad raised an eyebrow at Jeremy. "I mean David!" The two adults smiled. 

"That's better." June said. He turned to Michael who was excitedly rocking back and forth in his seat. 

"I've been waiting for this all day!" Michael squealed as he flapped his hands. 

"More like all week." June mumbled. 

"He's been practicing his teaching skills all week." David said, Michael rolled his eyes. 

"Well duh I have! I have to make sure Jeremy can skate as well as I can by the end of the night." 

"You do realize that we can come back anytime we want, right?" Jeremy asked, Michael turned to him. 

"That's the point! I need to teach you so we can go all the time!" He threw up on his hands up in the air and waved them around, Jeremy couldn't help but think that it was adorable. The rest of the drive they listened and sang along with the music. Every once and awhile Jeremy would glance at Michael and just take him all in. He liked taking little pictures of Michael inside his mind, and Michael was one of the most photogenic people in the world. 

What Jeremy didn't notice Michael's parents smirking at each other, clearly knowing how Jeremy felt about their son (and vice versa). 

"We're here!" Michael exclaimed as the car came to a stop. Jeremy and Michael quickly got out the car.

"Have fun boys! We'll pick you up in about three hours." Michael's mom said. 

"Okay mom, see you then!" Michael yelled. "C'mon, Jeremy!" Michael started to run towards the building, Jeremy laughed and followed after him. Once inside they got their skates and headed over to the rink. "You ready?" Michael asked as they tied their laces, Jeremy nodded. 

"As ready as I'll ever be." He said. 

"Great," Michael smiled at him. "Now you're going to need to trust me with this. You're going to have be patient, it takes time." Jeremy snorted. 

"Says the guy who wants me to learn by the end of the night." 

"Well I have a lot of faith in you." Michael stood up and held out his hand to Jeremy, Jeremy smiled up at him and took it. "Stand up slowly." Michael said, Jeremy nodded and began pull himself up. His legs wobble a bit and he felt like he about to fall back. 

"Shit!" He cried, Jeremy surged forward and fell... Right into Michael's arms. 

"Woah!" Michael yelped as he caught Jeremy. "I said slowly!" Jeremy felt heat rush to his cheeks, he was pretty sure he could blend in with Michael's hoodie. 

"Sorry!" Michael chuckled. 

"Dude, it's fine." Jeremy looked up at his best friend who was smiling at him, he tried to steady his heart beat. 

'Not now crush.' He hissed at himself. 

"Let's just take it slow, okay?" 

"O-okay." Jeremy whispered. Michael laced their fingers together (God, he really hoped his hands weren't sweaty) and pulled them both into the rink. 

(Warning: please do not use this as a tutorial for skating. I can't actually skate, so please for your safety and my sanity just don't.) 

"So you're going to want to glide." Michael said. "Like... Here hold onto the wall." Jeremy nodded, let go of Michael, and immediately grabbed onto the wall. He glared at Michael whenever he laughed at him. "So you're going to just want to take your foot and push off with it, like this." Michael took his left foot and pushed, he repeated it with his right. 

"Like this?" Jeremy let go of the wall, pushed off with his left foot, and immediately fell on his face. "Ow." Michael bursted out in laughter. 

"Oh my god dude! You have like zero balance!" 

"Yeah, I'm aware." Jeremy groaned. "I'm just going to lay here and die now." 

"Please don't, I really want you too learn." 

"Nope, I've embarrassed myself enough already." 

"Jeremy c'mon.." Michael whined.

"No." 

"Please, Jer?

"No." 

"Miah?" 

"No." 

"Jerebear?" Jeremy could practically hear Michael smirking, he knew that Jeremy was weak to that name.

"Fine..." Jeremy groaned, Michael let out a soft snicker and pulled Jeremy off the floor. 

"Okay let's try this again." Michael said, he let go of Jeremy's hands and wrapped his left arm around his wait (which sent shivers down Jeremy's spine). "This time we'll do it together. Ready?" Jeremy nodded. "Okay now push." Both boys pushed off of their left foots in sync. "Good! Now do it again with the right." They did and moved a bit more. "Let's keep going." 

Left 

Right 

Left 

Right 

Left 

Right 

They skated around the entire rink.

Michael was beaming at him and Jeremy felt the butterflies in stomach dance around. When Michael was looking at him like that, like Jeremy was somehow the most amazing person in the world, he felt like he was flying. He felt like could do anything. 

"You're doing great, Jeremy! I'm going to let go now, okay?" Well, maybe not anything. Jeremy was suddenly filled with fear that he would fall again without him. "Hey..." Michael cooed. "It's okay, you're going to be okay." 

"What if I fall?" 

"Then I'll catch you, you've just gotta trust me." Michael let go of Jeremy's waist and grabbed his hand, he squeezed it. Jeremy bit lip but took a deep breath. 

"I trust you." He whispered. Michael nodded. 

"Are you ready?" Michael asked. 

"Yes." Jeremy said, then Michael let go. Jeremy could feel himself about to go into panic mode, so he forced himself just to ignore it and kept moving his feet.

Left 

Right 

Left 

Right 

Left 

Right 

He could he Michael cheering for him. Michael was right behind him, ready to catch Jeremy if he fell. Michael was there. And Michael would always be there. No matter what. Michael wouldn't leave him. 

Jeremy knew what he needed to do. He turned around to look at his best friend who was smiling and clapping for him. His best friend who wasn't going to leave him. His best friend who he was in love. 

"Michael! I need to tell you something!" He called, never stopping.

"What?" Jeremy took a deep breath and pushed all his fears away. He could do this. He could tell Michael. Michael wouldn't leave him. 

"Michael I lo-" Jeremy didn't see the couple skating right in front of him and crashed right into them. "Oh shit!" 

"Jeremy!" Michael cried. He rushed forward and helped Jeremy and the couple up. As soon as they were all off the ground Jeremy began to apologize profusely. Thankfully they were nice and promised him that it wasn't a big deal, it didn't stop him from feeling awful. When they parted ways Michael guided Jeremy out of the rink. 

"Are you okay?" He asked as he helped Jeremy sit down. 

"Yeah, I'm fine." Michael breathed a sigh of relief, then smiled at him. 

"You did so good!" His best friend exclaimed, then he wrapped Jeremy in a big hug. Jeremy could feel himself melt into it. "I'm so freaking proud of you." 

"Thanks." He whispered into Michael's hoodie. They stayed like that for a second too long to call the exchange platonic, when they did let go they just smiled and stared at each other. 

"Before you crashed you said you wanted to tell me something, do you still want to tell?" Michael asked. Jeremy bit his lip but nodded. This was it. This was the big confession moment. He took a shaky breath. 

"Michael I-" Jeremy was cut off by the ringing of Michael's phone. 

"Hold that thought for just one second, it's my mom." Michael said and pressed the answer button. "Hello? Yeah. Oh shit. Oh no. Yeah we'll be out in a sec. Okay bye." Michael hung up. 

"You're parents are already here?" Jeremy asked. Michael nodded. "Has it really been three hours already?" Michael laughed. 

"Time flies when you're having fun... That and my dad threw up a quarter into their date." 

"Oh geez."

"Yep." Michael said. "Anyways what were you going to tell me?" 

"That I..." Jeremy trailed off. "I just wanted to thank you for teaching me how to do this. It means a lot to me." Michael grinned at him.

"You're welcome, dude." Michael said. "Now c'mon, we can order pizza and watch the Lego movie at my house." Jeremy smiled and nodded. As they walked out to Michael's car he felt his stomach filling up with dread. He had been so close, but of course he just had to fucking chicken out like the chicken shit he was. He was a coward. That night as they watched their movie Jeremy couldn't help but wonder what might have been if he was just a little braver. 

****

Let's clear the air on Christine Canigula. Well for starters, Jeremy never really had a crush on her. She was the person that he pushed all of his Michael feelings on. Everything word he said to Michael had a secret meaning behind it that only he understood. For example: 

Christine's looks really pretty today= you look really pretty today

Christine is so funny= you're so funny 

I wrote a letter to Christine telling her how I feel= I wrote you a letter telling you how I feel 

I think I'm in love with Christine= I know I'm so fucking in love you Michael, I love everything about you and God, you're just so amazing and I love you so much. I just want to be with you and kiss you and hold you and tell you how much I'm in love with you. 

Ect ect ect.

So why act like he had a crush on Christine? Well, that started one day at the beginning of freshmen year. 

It was one of those days where Jeremy just couldn't get Michael out of his mind. He couldn't stop thinking about his smile, or his laugh, or his eyes, or how soft his hair was, or how- 

"Dude!" Michael yelled while waving his hand in front of Jeremy's face. Jeremy jumped in his seat.

Oh shit, he's been noticeably mooning. 

"What?" He asked. "What did I miss?"

"I've been trying to talk to you for the past ten minutes and you've just been off in your head! Where are you!?" Michael exclaimed while waving his hands about. Jeremy blushed a dark red.

"O-oh I'm so-sorry!" Jeremy stuttered, refusing to look at his best friend.

"Seriously man, what's up with you?" Michael asked, then he looked around to check if anyone was listening. "Did something happen with your mom last night?" Jeremy shook his head quickly.

"No! It's just... Well um..." Jeremy bit his lip, and blushed an even darker red. 

'It's just I was thinking about how beautiful you are and how wonderful it would be to kiss you. God, I really want to kiss you.' 

"C'mon Jer, tell me what's up?" Jeremy flicked his eyes up to Michael, he was smiling softly and his eyes were full of concern. He had to tell him something. 

"Well there's this..." A light bulb went off in Jeremy's head, he had an idea to get Michael off his trail. "Girl..." Jeremy finished quietly. 

'Oh god, please let that work.' He thought nervously. 

At the same time though a tiny part of him wanted Michael to call him out on his bullshit. A tiny part of him wanted to tell Michael how he felt.

An emotion that Jeremy couldn't read flicked over Michael's features, then a massive grin grew on his face.

"Oh my god, man! That's great!" Michael exclaimed. "Who is she?" Jeremy turned pale. Shit he hadn't thought this far. 

"Oh! Um well... Um her name is..." Jeremy bit his lip again. What the hell what was he going to do? He didn't have a crush on any girl, he barely knew any girls at their school! Maybe he could say something like Michelle... No that was too obvious. Maybe Madeline... No that wouldn't work ether, Michael would immediately call him out on that (Jeremy had hated Madeline since the 7th grade when she tripped Michael during a school assembly, that was the first time Jeremy had yelled at another person. He got sent to the principle's office and detention but seeing the look on Madeleine's fake French ass face made it totally worth it... And Michael giving him a massive bear hug and called him his hero was also a plus.)

Across the cafeteria Jeremy heard giggles and looked up to see Christine Canigula walking and laughing with some of the other drama kids, and idea struck Jeremy. 

"Her name is Christine!" He exclaimed. 

"Christine Canigula?" Michael asked. Jeremy nodded quickly. "Well... Well that's great man! I'm happy for you!"

"Thanks..." Jeremy said, a little disappointed that Michael hadn't seen through his lie. Michael looked down at his tray.

"So tell me about her. What do you like about her?" Michael asked quietly. Jeremy blushed and looked down at his tray. 

"Um well... She's really funny, like she's hilarious." 

Translation: you're really funny, like you're hilarious. 

"And she's smart." 

Translation: you're brilliant 

"And she's really cute... "

Translation: I think you're the cutest person to ever walk the earth. 

"And I really want to know what it's like to kiss her..."

Translation: I really want to know what it's like to kiss you. 

"And yeah..." Jeremy sighed. He forced himself not to look at Michael, because if he did his emotions would surely betray his real feelings. 

Jeremy knew this is wrong. He knew he should just tell Michael and get it all out in the air, he knew Michael wouldn't leave him if he just told him. But he couldn't get over the nagging voice in his head telling him that if he told Michael he would ruin everything they had. That Michael would hate him. That Michael would leave him. He couldn't lose Michael, he just couldn't. 

So he decided he would play this crush thing out for at least a few more weeks and then act like he got over it. That way he wouldn't be lying to Michael that long. Yeah, that would work. 

"Oh..." Michael whispered. "That's really great..." 

"Yeah..." Jeremy said. The bell rang and the two friends said their goodbyes then went off in different directions. Before Jeremy headed to class he stopped by the bathroom, he felt sick. 

****

When Jeremy came home after school he fell asleep, he had stayed up all night with Michael studying for an English test they had today. Hours later he was woken up by muffled yelling coming from across the hall. Jeremy shot up out of bed and crept down the hallway, from the crack in the door he could see his mother pacing around the bedroom and his dad trying to calm her down. 

"Carrie would you please just-" 

"We're raising a complete freak, Greg!" His mother yelled. 

"We're not sending him to that hell hole!" His father screamed back. Jeremy was surprised, his dad really fought back. 

"It will fix him!" 

"I'm not sending my son to a torture camp!" 

"He's not normal!" 

"Is that such a bad thing!?" 

"Yes!" 

"He's fine the way he is!" 

"No he isn't!" 

"Yes he is-" Jeremy heard the crashing of class and ran down into the bedroom. In the room there was his mother red in the face and standing at the other side of the bed, his dad covering his face, a pile of glass on the floor, and a hole in the wall. 

"Dad!" Jeremy exclaimed as he ran to him, he started to check for any injuries. "Are you hurt?" 

"No I'm fine." His dad assured. 

"We're you ease dropping?" His mother asked, the tone of her voice filled froze Jeremy in terror. 

"I um-" 

"Were you or were you not, Jeremiah!" She screamed. 

"Yes..." He admitted. Before he could register what was happening his mother had grabbed him by the shirt. 

"How many goddamn time have I told you not to snoop, you nosy little shit!" She screamed, she stared him down. Never before had Jeremy been so scared. "This is why you need to be fixed! I can't believe I raised such a fucking loser!" 

"Get off him, Carrie!" His dad yelled. 

"Everything about him is just awful!" She screamed. "Everything about him makes me want to die!" His mother raised her hand back and Jeremy steeled himself for the blow. 

SLAP

But Jeremy didn't feel anything. He was laying on the floor. He looked up and saw his dad holding his cheek and his mother storming out. 

"I'm going out!" She yelled. Jeremy and his father just stood there until they heard the door slam shut. 

"Are you alright?" His dad asked as he rushed over to his son. 

"She hit you..." Jeremy whispered. 

"She's done it before." His dad admitted as he wrapped his arms around his son. 

"I know..." Then he bursted out in tears. 

"I'm here, son." His dad whispered. "I'm here." They stayed there for what seemed like hours before his father spoke again. "How much did you hear?" He asked. 

"Just that she wants to send me to some camp." Jeremy said. 

"She wants you to go to two different camps." His dad took a deep breath. "One that's supposedly fixes autism and a gay conversation camp..." Jeremy felt his heart stop.

"No!" He cried. "Don't make me go!" 

"You're not going, Jeremy." His father said in a stern voice. "All those camps are torture camps that break kids and I'm not letting you near one." 

"Promise?" Jeremy whimpered. 

"Promise." His father said. 

 

Michael showed up at his house an hour after school. 

"You ready to talk?" Michael asked as he sat on the other boy's bed. Jeremy bit his lip but nodded. He had been preparing for this since Michael had first talked to him. He had decided to tell him everything except then camps thing, he knew Michael would absolutely flip his shit over that more than anything else. In fact he was 99.9 % sure that Michael would probably kill his mom if Jeremy told him. 

"My parents got in a huge fight. It got really bad..." Jeremy said, just barely audible.

"How bad?" Michael asked with caution.

"Like there is a hole in my parents bedroom because she threw something at him..." Tears were starting to fall from Jeremy's eyes. "They were fighting about me..." Jeremy let out a sob. Michael rushed forward and wrapped his arms around the other boy.

"Hey it's okay. I'm here it's okay." He cooed. He carded his fingers through Jeremy's hair. "I'm here."

"She used to not be like this. She used to be so good and wonderful and- and- now..." Jeremy let out a soft sob. Michael clenched the fabric of Jeremy's shirt.

It's was true. Jeremy used to think that his mom was best person in the world, but after having six miscarriages she became a totally different person. She became cruel and hatful. She began hurting Jeremy and his father. She slowly destroyed any good feeling Jeremy had about his mother. 

Silence

Silence

Silence

"She hit him last night..." Jeremy said quietly.

"What?" Michael gasped.

"She was going after me but he stood in front of me and-" Jeremy let out another sob. "Why doesn't she just leave?! She obviously doesn't want to be here but she won't go!!!"

"I don't know buddy... I don't know..." Michael replied softly.

Silence

Silence

Silence

"He should leave..." Jeremy said, talking more to himself than to Michael. "He should leave her and get the hell out of here. He should save himself. He deserves much better than her! He deserves much better than me..." Jeremy had never told Michael this but he had little control of his mouth at the moment and just couldn't stop talking. 

"Jeremy your dad loves you and would never leave you with that monster." Michael said softly.

'He deserves better than that monster.' The voice in his head whispered. 'He deserve better than a freak like you.' 

"He deserves to start a new life. With a good wife who loves him and kid who wasn't so terrible." 

"You're not terrible Jeremy." Michael said sternly. "You're amazing!"

'Michael deserves better than a loser like you.' It whispered.

"No I'm not! I'm a fucking loser Michael! And I don't even know why you're friends with me honestly! You're so much cooler and smarter and beautiful than me! What are you getting out of this friendship?! All my bullshit that's what! You- you deserve better..." Michael cupped Jeremy's face in his hands and brushed the tears on his cheeks with his thumbs.

"Jeremy, listen to me. You are honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me. You're my best friend and I wouldn't trade you for anything in the world. And I know your dad feels the same. He loves you and wouldn't trade you for another son, because even if that kid was the most perfect person in the world he wouldn't be you." Michael was crying now too. No matter how genuine Michael sounded Jeremy's insecurity was getting the best of him. 

"But I'm ruining your lives... The only reason he stays with her is because of me and I'm the one holding you back from better things..."

"Don't you dare say that Jeremiah Heere. Don't you dare to fucking say that bullshit about my best friend. My best friend I love dearly and would do anything for. My best friend who deserves so much better than what the world has given him. " Jeremy bit his lip and flicked his eyes away from Michael's.

"I- I don't know what to say, Mikey..."

"You don't have to say anything." Michael bit lip. "Can you show me your wrists." Jeremy went pale. He looked like a ghost. He should of known Michael would ask that, he always did after Jeremy would bash himself like he did. Slowly he pushed the sleeves of his cardigan. There were cuts, old and new. Brand new ones. Open ones. Michael looked so sad and Jeremy was the reason why. Jeremy hated himself for making Michael sad. 

"I'm sorry..." Jeremy said. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry..." He just kept repeating it over and over and over again. He didn't stop till Michael placed a finger over his lips.

"You don't need to be sorry, Jer. I just wish that you wouldn't do this to yourself." He said quietly.

"I'm such a fuck up!" Jeremy cried. "I promised you-"

"I shouldn't have made you promise, that was wrong of me..." He looked his best friend in the eyes. "Just can you try?" Jeremy let another sob out but nodded. "Thank you... Now come on let's go to the bathroom." He took Jeremy's hand in his and led him across the hall where his bathroom was. Michael opened up the cabinet, pulled out the first aid kit, and began cleaning the cuts.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Jeremey there is nothing to sorry for."

"But I am sorry...." His eyes fell to the floor.

Silence

Silence

Silence

"Why did you start again?" Michael asked cautiously.

Silence

Silence

Silence

"Did she say something to you?" Jeremy wouldn't look Michael. "What did she say?" The other boy took a deep breath.

"She told me last night that she couldn't believe that she raised a loser like me. That everything about me is terrible. That everything about me makes her want to die." Jeremy whimpered, Michael looked like he wanted to punch someone in the mouth.

"I'm going to kill her." He mumbled under breath.

"Please don't. You're one of only people I have and I don't want you to go to prison." Jeremy replied.

"I still want to do it."

"Promise me you won't." 

"Fine..." He groaned.

"And you're not allowed hire an assassin ether." Michael snorted.

"I wouldn't do that."

"Yes you would. I know you too well, Mell." A small smile on his face. He felt a little better, Michael could always make him feel better. 

"Fine... I promise I won't hire an assassin ether." Jeremy's smile grew a little more. Michael began putting up the medical supplies when Jeremy grabbed his hand. 

"Thank you." Jeremy whispered while squeezing Michael's hand. Michael squeezed back. Then Jeremy wrapped his arms around him and captured him in a tight hug.

"I'm your best friend man no need to thank me." Michael said with a smile.

Silence

Silence

Silence

He needed to tell him how he felt. He needed Michael to at least have an idea what he meant to him. 

"I love you..." Jeremy said softly I love you so much, Michael Mell." 

I love you more than probably anything else in this world, Michael. I love you and I have loved you since I first met you and I'll probably love till the day I die. You're amazing in every single way. And I think about kissing you all the time. And I think being with you. And I think about how nice it would be if you loved me back the same way I loved you. 

That's what Jeremy wanted to say. 

But he didn't. 

"What?" He asked, shocked.

"You know you're my best friend... And my favorite person, of course I love you." Jeremy laughed a bit, trying not to lead Michael onto what he really meant. "No homo." He said, just to be safe. Michael squeezed him tightly.

"I love you too, dude." He said. 

Jeremy felt his heart stop. 

He knew that Michael had meant it in a platonic way, he let go of Jeremy and stared him straight into the eyes.

"No homo." He dead-panned. Jeremy ignored the dropping of his heart and let out a massive snort.

"You're a dork."

"Hey man you said it first." He said with a small smile.

"Oh shit you right." The two boys stared at each other, but then broke out in laughter. After they had calmed down Michael put up the first aid kit and walked them both back to Jeremy's room.

"Do you want to come over to my house?" Michael suggested. "We can eat brownies and play with lizards." Jeremy smiled and nodded. 

Jeremy hated that he couldn't get over his fear and tell Michael how he really felt, but right now being friends was enough for Jeremy.

****

One day during the summer after freshmen year Michael and Jeremy were hanging out in Michael's basement. They were having a Pixar movie marathon but Jeremy's mind kept wandering to other places. He couldn't stop thinking about what it would be like to kiss Michael. What would it feel like? How would he taste? Would he like it just as much as Jeremy? 

He also couldn't stop worrying that Michael had already kissed someone. One Jeremy's biggest flaws was that he was easily jealous, especially when it came to Michael. He could always feel the green little monster pop up whenever he saw the girl at seven eleven flirting with him, when he talked about cute guys he had seen at the mall, or just whenever anyone looked at him longer than necessary. Jeremy wished that this wasn't a problem but it was. Jeremy hated the idea of some other guy holding Michael's hand. Or holding him in his arms. Or running his fingers through Michael's hair. Or kissing him. He really hated the idea of some one else kissing Michael. He hated it so much that he-

"Dude what is up with you today?" Michael complained, interrupting Jeremy's thoughts. "It's like you're here but you're not really here, ya know? You're off somewhere in la la land." Jeremy blushed.

"Sorry!" He exclaimed. "I've just been thinking..."

"Thinking about what?" Michael asked. Jeremy bit his lip, refusing to look at the other boy. Michael paused the movie and asked again. "What's wrong Jer?" 

"Nothing's wrong it's just..." Jeremy was about as red as a tomato. "I was just wondering if you- Never mind it's stupid." He finished quickly. 

'It's just I was thinking about what it would be like if we made out, wanna find out?' 

Michael took Jeremy's hand in his own.

"It's obviously not stupid if you're this worried about it." He said. "C'mon man, you can ask me anything." Jeremy knew there was no way that he was getting out of this situation, so he figured he might as well tell Michael a half truth. Jeremy took a deep breath and steeled himself. 

"I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'VE EVER KISSED ANYONE BEFORE!" He asked quickly, his voice cracking throughout the sentence. Michael jaw dropped and began to turn as red as Jeremy.

"No..." He said.

"Oh."

"I would of told you if I kissed anyone."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Silence

Silence

Silence

"I've never kissed anyone ether!" Jeremy exclaimed. At this point the tiny voice in his head was just screaming at him. 

'Michael knows that you idiot!' 

"Oh." Michael said, he was just as red as Jeremy now.

"Yeah."

"So why were you thinking about that?" Michael asked cautiously. Shit he hadn't thought this far ahead. 

"Oh um because... Because I was thinking about how... How when I do eventually kiss someone I'm going to be horrible at it..."

'That's an awful excuse but I guess it will work. Now just don't mess it up more than you already have.' 

"O-oh!" Michael said, voice cracking.

"Yeah..."

Silence

Silence

Silence

"Would you teach me!?" Jeremy blurted out. Immediately covering his his mouth after he had said it. 

'You fucked up.' 

"Oh my god I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that oh my god I'm so stupid-" Jeremy went on and on for about a minute before Michael finally opened his mouth again. 

"I mean I guess I could try," Michael said shyly. "I've never done it ether so I have no clue what I'm doing but I can try."

Holy shit. 

Holy shit! 

HOLY SHIT

Michael just agreed to teach him how to kiss. 

He was going to get to kiss Michael. 

What the fuck.

Jeremy didn't say anything, he just stared at Michael with wide eyes and a slack jaw. Michael began to backtrack 

"I mean I don't- we don't have to- it's not like- shit I-" Jeremy cut him off by rushing forward and crashing his lips against Michael's when he couldn't take it anymore. 

Jeremy quickly pulled back, once he realized Michael wasn't kissing back. Jeremy started sputtering out apologizes as he his brain was beginning to go into over load. 

'YOU FUCKED UP REAL GOOD! GOOD GOING ASSHOLE!' 

He just had his first kiss. 

He had just kissed Michael Mell. 

He fucking kissed Michael Mell. 

He fucked up. 

He ruined everything. 

Michael now hated him and didn't want to be friends anymore. 

He was going to have to leave the country and never see him again.

He was-

Michael put a finger on Jeremy's lips to shut him up. He smiled softly, Jeremy breathed a sigh of relief. 

'He's not angry, thank god.' 

"Jer, it's okay, I was just taken by surprise." He explained. "Ya gotta give me some warning man." He removed his finger and waited for Jeremy to respond.

"Can we..." Jeremy flicked his eyes down to the floor, then back to Michael. "Can we try again." Jeremy said, ignoring the screaming his head. Michael nodded. Jeremy smiled nervously at him.

"Slower this time, it kinda hurt when you just rammed your face into mine." He said, Jeremy nodded. They slowly inched their faces together. This time when their lips met Michael kissed back.

It wasn't perfect. Michael's glasses were uncomfortably pressing into his face and their noses kept bumping into each other. It was stiff. And shy. And awkward as all hell. But the fact that it was with Michael, made it everything Jeremy had ever dreamed of.

After a minute they pulled away to breath. Jeremy smiled awkwardly at him.

"So... How did I do?" He asked. Michael smiled at him.

"Much better but you were kind of hesitant and stiff. You gotta have a little more confidence." He said. Jeremy blushed (somehow he was even redder than before).

"Ca-can you show me what you mean?" Jeremy asked. Michael licked his lips anxiously, but nodded. He leaned closer to Jeremy, cupped his face in his hands, and flicked his eyes to his lips. Jeremy nodded, then Michael closed the gap between them.

It started as soft and shy as the last one, but once they were both comfortable Michael went in for bit more. He slowly moved one hand into Jeremy's hair and the other to his waist. Jeremy got the message and moved one hand to the back of Michael's neck pulling him even closer. After a few beats Michael opened his mouth and bit Jeremy's lip, the Jeremy moaned. The other boy slipped his tongue between Jeremy's now open lips. He gasped as Michael slid his across his tongue across his teeth. Once Michael was satisfied he pulled back. Jeremy heart was racing and his brain was buzzing. He looked at Michael, who's lips were spit slick and his eyes were blown and he just looked so goddamn beautiful.

"Like that..." He said quietly. Jeremy just kept looking at him. And looking at him. And looking at him.

He needed to kiss him again. 

And again. 

And again.

He needed to kiss Michael like there was no tomorrow.

"Can you show me again?" He said breathlessly, his eyes flicking between Michael's eyes and lips. Michael bit his lip and nodded. Then he leaned back in and captured Jeremy's lips once more.

The two boys stayed like that for about half an hour, only pulling away to take a breath. At some point Jeremy had crawled onto Michael's lap. At some point Michael's hands went up Jeremy's shirt. Jeremy knew what he was doing was wrong. It was going to hurt him later when he wouldn't be able to do this again, but for right now he couldn't stop himself. He had wanted this for so damn long. For the moment he could pretend that Michael had feelings for him and that they could do this all the time. Pretend that Michael knew how much Jeremy loved him. Pretend that Michael loved him just as much.

But all good things eventually come to an end. From upstairs they heard the front door open and shut.

"Michael! Jeremy! Are you here?!" Michael's mother yelled from upstairs. And just like that the spell was broken. The boys quickly jump apart and fixed their clothing.

"Yeah mom! We're down stairs!" Michael called.

"Okay! When you're ready we have pizza for you!"

"Okay thanks mom!" The two boys looked at each other. They were both messes. Michael looked as red as his hoodie, his hair was a mess, and his lips were swollen. Jeremy was sure Michael had never been this beautiful before. 

Then he noticed the expression on Michael's face. It was full of regret. Jeremy felt his heart sink. 

'You fucked up.' The tiny voice in his brain whispered. 'You fucked up real good.' 

"We should probably go eat." Jeremy suggested, looked away from Michael, forcing back tears.

"Yeah..." Michael replied. "We should also probably... Um you know... Make ourselves look like we didn't just make out." Jeremy bit his lip and nodded. "You can use the bathroom down here and I'll go upstairs."

"Okay." Jeremy said quietly. Michael looked at him one more time then headed upstairs. Jeremy stood there all alone, then let the tears pour. God, he was such an idiot! Such a fucking idiot! He let himself get too close to what he wanted most and then took it away from himself. 

Then came the memories. 

Michael's hand on his waist. 

Michael's lips on his. 

The way he tasted like apple juice and peach. 

Michael laughing whenever they would clash their teeth together. 

The way it felt so right and so perfect and so fucking real. 

It felt so fucking amazing. 

'Was that worth it?' The voice in his head asked. 'He's never going to love you, Jeremy. I mean how could someone as perfect and good as him love a broken mess like you?'

Jeremy slowly sunk to the floor and curled up into a ball. 

'Was it worth it? You're never going to be able to do that again. You'll never be able to kiss him again because you're too much of a coward without putting a no homo at the end of it.' 

Jeremy sobbed into the sleeve of his shirt. 

'Michael deserves someone who isn't such a weak, worthless coward.' 

The voice was starting to sound less like him and more like his mother. 

'You don't deserve him.' 

He was drowning in his own thoughts. 

'You're a coward.'

He couldn't breathe. 

'Was it worth it?' 

"I don't know..." He whimpered. Then the voice went quiet and it was silent. 

Silence 

Silence 

Silence

Once Jeremy was calmer he got up, went into the bathroom, and cleaned up. He went upstairs a few minutes later, Michael walked into the kitchen a few minutes after that. Jeremy forced himself not to look at the other boy. Jeremy wanted to talk about it. Michael glanced at him and Jeremy knew that he wanted T talk about it too. They needed to talk about it.

They never talked about it. 

****

Jeremy would never forget the night his mother left. 

He knew he should of gone to his house right after school. He knew that no one would be there and he could of got in got out in just a few minutes. But he didn't. Instead he went to the store and got some stuff for Michael. After he got out of the store he knew he still could go over to his house without any problems. But he didn't. Instead he went back to Michael's house and watched him sleep for two hours (he knew it was creepy but Michael looked so peaceful and beautiful and when he was asleep... And he talked in his sleep, which was the most entertaining thing Jeremy had ever seen).   
~  
"Yes Sonic, I will have a chilly dog eating competition with." Michael mumbled. 

"What the hell are you dreaming about, dude?" He wondered aloud to himself. Michael let out a low angry growl. 

"Fuck you Mario!" He yelled.  
~  
He was just so scared to go back there. The memories of the past years stuck to the house like a parasite. Every fight. Every time she had gotten drunk. Every time she had hit Jeremy and his dad. He knew his dad had been talking to a divorce lawyer and was working on making it happen as quickly as possible. But it felt like they were on the the brink of disaster.

It wasn't until 10:00 o'clock Jeremy decided to finally man up and go over there (You might be thinking: why couldn't he just wear Michael's clothes? Well, Jeremy was a tiny twig boy and Michael was taller and husky so his clothes swallowed Jeremy whole. Also he was very bootylicious). The whole walk in there Jeremy's mind raced with possibilities of what could happen. He wasn't ready for what did. 

When he arrived at his house there were no cars in the drive way, Jeremy breathed a sigh of relief. 

"Okay just get in, get your clothes, and get out." He whispered to himself. He took his keys out and walked into the home. 

"Who's here!" He heard a voice yell as he shut the door. Jeremy's heart began to race. 

'What is she doing here?' 

"Jeremiah is that you?!" She yelled again. Jeremy tried to love but he was frozen. His mother walked into the entry way, arms crossed and red in the face. "Where the hell have you been the past few weeks!" She screamed. 

"I- um-" The opening of the door cut him off. Jeremy's dad walked through it. 

"Jeremy?!" He exclaimed when he saw the teen. "What are you doing here?" 

"I'm just getting clothes and then I'll be out of here." He replied. 

"Would someone please tell me where the hell my son has been!" His mother yelled. They both turned to the woman. 

"I've been at Michael's." Jeremy said. 

"Who... Wait is that the fag you're always hanging out with?" Jeremy felt his blood began to boil. He opened his mouth to tell her off but his dad beat him to it. 

"Don't you dare fucking call him that Carrie!" He yelled.

"I can call that fag whatever I want!" She yelled back. "He's probably the one who turned Jeremiah into a fag! He's the reason that he's such a freak!" Jeremy could take her saying these things about him, but she had insulted Michael and he wouldn't stand for it.

"Shut up!" He yelled. "Michael is my best friend, and he's been with me through it all! Every time you would hurt me, he was the one to comfort me! Every time you would tell me that I was useless and a loser, he would tell me that it wasn't true! Every time that you would-" He was cut off by his mother hitting him. Not slapping him, like she usually did, but punching him. Jeremy stumbled backwards into his dad's arms. The world was blurry and he couldn't hear a sound for a second. When he could again he heard his father voice. 

"Jeremy, are you alright?!" He sounded so scared. Jeremy opened his mouth to speak but couldn't say a word. He just nodded. Jeremy saw his dad breathed a sigh of relief, then he watched the anger flood into his features. He carefully set Jeremy down next to the stairs and turned to his wife. "GET OUT!" He screamed. 

"What?" She said, flicking her eyes between the two males standing front of her. 

"I said get the fuck out of my house! Get your shit and leave! I never want to see you near my son ever again!" Jeremy had never seen his father so angry before. 

"He's my son too!" She yelled. "I'm his mom!" Jeremy opened his mouth and thanked whatever God out there when words came out. 

"You may be my my mother," He said. "but you haven't been my mom for many years." That shut her up. She slowly went upstairs and in a few minutes she came back down stairs, suit cases in hands. 

"You'll want me back." She said to his dad. "You're nothing without me." 

"Get out." His father said. She looked at Jeremy one more time and then she was gone. 

"She's gone..." Jeremy said, then he let out a sob. 

It was over. The woman who ha caused him so much misery was finally gone. So why was Jeremy so sad to see her leave?

****

Jeremy stared at Michael from across the room, ear buds in his ears and his song library on shuffle. He could see Michael staring at the book in hands, he could see his lips mouthing the words. He could see the bouncing of Michael's leg under the table. He could see the little smile in his eyes. 

The song changed. 

When I was younger I saw my daddy cry and curse at the wind 

He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried to reassemble it 

And my momma swore that she would never let herself forget

And that was the day that I promised that I'd never sing of love if it does not exist 

But darling, you are the the only exception 

You are the only exception 

You are the only exception 

You are the only exception 

Jeremy chuckled under his breath. He had always heard Michael talking about certain songs described his life and feelings perfectly but had never experienced it himself, until now. 

His phone buzzed. A text from Michael. 

Player one: you look happy, what are you listening too? 

Jeremy smiled down at the phone, of course Michael would notice that he was happy because of a song. Only Michael. 

Player two: the only exception

Player one: Paramore? 

Player two: yep 

Player one: you fucking emo 

Jeremy snorted. 

Player two: you're an ass 

Player one: yeah but I'm your ass and you love me

Well you are the only exception 

Michael was really Jeremy's only exception. He was pretty sure he would of never let himself fall for anyone, not after what happened to his dad. But Michael... Well Michael kinda just let himself into Jeremy's heart. 

You are the only exception

He was pretty sure he had loved Michael since the first time he saw him, it just took him a bit to realize it.

You are the only exception 

Michael was the exception to every rule, every promise, every vow, and everything else. Jeremy hadn't planned on falling in love with him, or anyone else for that matter, but he was pretty sure he didn't have any say in the matter. Because Michael was Michael and you just couldn't not love him.

You are the only exception 

Player two: you are right about that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I love Jeremy and Michael, please believe me! 
> 
> Also I promise the whole Jeremy kissing Christine will be explained next chapter


	5. Lego House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My three words have two meanings, but there's one thing on my mind, it's all for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone take Jeremy Heere away from me, I've hurt him too much. 
> 
> So I'm going on vacation so I'm not going to be posting until I get back, which is two weeks from now. Please don't hate me too much, I'm sorry.

Lego House- Ed Sheeran 

 

When Jeremy was a little kid Michael and him would take all the Lego kits they would get for their birthdays and mix them together, then with all those pieces they would build whatever they wanted with them. There was a time when Michael's basement was filled with their countless projects. From the stairs you could see cities, and space ships, and cars, and houses. The two little boys had made their own little world where anything went. 

In their world there was no school. Or bullies. Or moms who drunk a bit too much. It was just happiness and fun and Michael and Jeremy. 

In their little Lego world Jeremy was safe. In their little Lego world he could be anything he wanted to be. Jeremy would of gave anything if he could live there for forever. Just him and Michael. 

"Michael?" Jeremy asked one day as they were playing together in the basement. That day his self esteem had been lower than usual and he just kept noticing everything awful about himself, he needed some assurance that it was all in his head. Michael looked up from the Dinosaur park he had been working on for the past week. 

"Yeah, Miah?" 

"Will we always be friends?" Jeremy asked meekly. Michael just smiled at the other boy. 

"Of course!" He replied. Jeremy bit his lip. 

"Yeah, but are you sure?" Michael stared at the taller boy then got up and began to head up the stairs. 

"I'll be right back." He said before Jeremy could ask him where he was going. When he came back he had a tube of glue in his hand, he grabbed one of the houses (a small red and blue one) in their town as he sat down next to Jeremy. 

"You see this house?" Michael asked, Jeremy nodded. "I can take it apart if I want." To prove his point he took apart some of the bricks. "But if I use this glue..." Michael squeezed some of the paste into the brick and placed another brick on it. "Now they won't come apart, right?" 

"Right." Jeremy replied. 

"Well, we're the bricks, I'm the red and you're the blue, and the glue is the friendship junk we do, promises and secrets and stuff like that. That's the stuff that bonds is together, so that way we're stuck together. Do you get it?" 

"I think so..." Jeremy said. "What you're saying is that what we go through, good and bad, makes our friendship stronger. That no matter what we'll always be together?" Michael beamed at him. 

"Exactly!" He exclaimed. Jeremy felt better now that he knew Michael wasn't going to leave him anytime soon. 

"What's up with the metaphor?" He asked. 

"My dad's on a kick, I swear he's only spoken in them for the past week." Michael explained. "Now c'mon, we gotta finish the dinosaur park." Jeremy smiled and happily played with his friend for the rest of the day. 

****

"So how's your project with Christine going?" Michael asked as they walked out the 7/11 with slushys in hands. Jeremy smiled at his (boy)friend.

"Really good actually! She's a great partner and we're already almost done with all our work." 

"That's crazy, dude! Mrs. Jordan's work is super hard, how are you already almost finished?" Jeremy chuckled and shrugged. 

"We just work good together, I guess." He took a sip from his slush (Jeremy had a Mountain Dew one and Michael had a cherry). "How about you? You're partners with Brooke right?" Michael shook his head. 

"Nah, I'm with Dustin Kropp." Michael said as they got into his car. "He's pretty cool..." He trailed off, Jeremy could of sworn that there was a light pink blush dusted on his cheeks. 

"Well tell me about him!" The other boy said, completely clueless about his (boy)friend's feelings towards Dustin. "Is he a good partner? How far along are you?" 

"Well- um- yeah he is. He's really smart. And he's funny!" Michael bit his lip and looked down at the ground, clearly embarrassed now. "He's also really cute..." 

Oh. 

The realization hit Jeremy like a brick wall. 

Michael liked Dustin.

Oh. 

Jeremy could practically feel the little green monster staring to creep into his thoughts. 

He wanted to tell Michael that Dustin was an asshole that didn't deserve any of his attention (but he didn't actually have any evidence to back that claim up).

He wanted to tell Michael that Dustin didn't like guys and wouldn't be into him (but he was pretty sure he had heard that he was actually gay). 

He wanted to go up to Dustin Kropp and tell him to stay away from Michael (but Dustin Kropp was on the football team and super buff and Jeremy was the definition of twink and less imitating than a chicken).

So instead he forced down the bile that had been rising in his stomach and faked a smile. 

"Th-that's great." He said behind gritted teeth. "I bet he feels the same." Michael went bright red. 

"I- I nev-never said anything about-" 

"You're kinda obvious, man." Jeremy teased, he felt like throwing up. 

"Am I?" Michael asked shyly, Jeremy nodded. He let out a loud groan. "Let me just go kill myself, please." 

"Please don't, who would drive me to get slushys if you're not here?" Jeremy cried dramatically. Michael rolled his eyes and lightly hit Jeremy on the shoulder. 

"You'd find someone, asshole." Michael sighed. "Do you think he knows?" Jeremy shrugged. 

"I don't know, but you might have a chance. I heard that he's gay." Jeremy said, trying to force away his rage and act like everything was alright. Michael snorted. 

"Jenna Rolan's was the one who was saying that, so we literally have no solid proof. Besides I just think he's cute, no need to start thinking about a relationship or anything. I'll probably get over it in like a week." Jeremy felt instant relief, he thanked any god or magical force of the universe that was doing him a solid. 

"I guess so." Jeremy shrugged.

"I guess I'll just admire from afar until then." Michael sighed. Jeremy looked down at the dash board and clenched his fists. 

"Yeah." 

****

As Jeremy walked home he couldn't stop thinking about what Rich had told him. He couldn't stop thinking about all the possibilities. 

If that thing helped Rich become one of the coolest guys in school what could it do for Jeremy. 

Maybe he'd do well in school. 

Maybe he'd be able to act normal. 

Maybe he'd finally be able to earn his mother's approval. 

Maybe she would come back to them, and if she did would she be her old self again. 

Maybe his dad would be happy again. 

Maybe he would finally have the courage to tell Michael how he felt. 

Maybe... Maybe Michael would love him back. 

Maybe he would be worthy of that love. 

Maybe 

Maybe

Maybe...

****

"I hope you're worth four hundred dollars." Jeremy said as he and Michael looked down at the pill. 

"Four hundred and one." Michael reminded, Jeremy glared at him. "Don't forget the Mountain Dew." Jeremy nodded and unscrewed the cap. Jeremy's eyes flicked between the pill and Michael. 

"If this is real.. my whole life could change..." 

If this thing worked he could have everything he had ever wanted. 

His mother's approval. 

His father's happiness. 

Michael's love. 

Everything would be perfect... 

"We should split it!" Jeremy suggested. "You helped me get it. We should both benefit, right?" Michael shook his head and laughed. 

"I don't think that's how it works, dude. Besides, I like knowing that when you're cool, you'll owe me." Jeremy rolled his eyes. 

"All right." Jeremy took a deep breath. "Here goes... Everything..." He put the pill on his tongue and swallowed it down with some Mountain Dew. 

Silence 

Silence 

Silence 

"How does it taste?" Michael asked. 

"Minty." Jeremy replied. 

"How do you feel?" 

"Like... Like a chump..." He groaned. Michael gave him a concerned look. 

"Nothing? At all?" Jeremy saw an idea flicker in Michael's eyes. "Try to say something cool!" He suggested. 

"I think I just blew all my bar mitzvah on a winter green tic-tac." Jeremy felt like crying. That was his shot to be more than he had always been. 

"Yeah... Not cool." Michael wrapped his arms around his best friend. "I'm sorry, dude." Jeremy sighed and laid his head on table. 

"Just leave me alone to mourn in my chili fries, forever." Michael sighed and began to get up. 

"Five minutes." Jeremy looked up at his friend. 

"Where you going?" A wide grin grew on Michael's face, Jeremy felt his inside turn mushy and happy at the sight of it. 

"So check it out, there's a guy at Spencer's Gifts who's hooking me up with a case of Crystal Pepsi!" Michael began to bounce up and down a bit. "It's like regular Pepsi, but clear!" Jeremy raised an eyebrow at the other boy. 

"Wasn't that stuff discontinued in the 90's?" 

"That's what makes it so awesome!" Michael called as he walked away. The blue eyed boy just chuckled and shook his head. 

"He's such a dork..." He sighed under his breath. "A cute dork..." Jeremy looked up and saw Jake and Christine walking towards his table. He had actually talked to Christine while working on the project for history and at play rehearsal and had found that she was super cool and nice and understanding. An idea popped into his head, maybe he could tell her about his Michael problem. She would understand. He waved at the two. 

"Christine!" He called. She smiled at him. 

"Jeremy!" She walked over to him, Jake following behind her. "I didn't see you there." 

"Yeah, you're kinda hard to notice." Jake said bitterly. Grabbed Christine's hand and began to pull her away. "The best part, they let you pick whatever you want-" 

"Wait!" Jeremy shrieked, they both stopped an looked at him. "There's something I need to tell you." Christine raised an eyebrow, Jake just looked really annoyed. 

"Now?" He said. 

"I... I..." He felt a sharp pain in the back of his head. "OW!" 

'Target goal: inaccessible.' A familiar voice said.

"Jeremy?" Christine worried rushing to his side. 

"OW! What the hell!" He pressed the heels of his hands on his head hoping to relive some of the pain. 

'Calibration in process.' The voice said. 'Please excuse some minor discomfort.'

"Mild?!?!" He shrieked. His was pretty sure he had never had a headache this painful before in his life. 

"Jeremy, what's wrong?!" Christine cried. 

"Dude, the freak's freaking out!" Jake exclaimed. 

'Calibration complete. Access procedure initiated.' The pain decrease and Jeremy breathed a sigh of relief. 

"No, wait, I'm fine, I just-"

'Discomfort levels may increase.' The pain came back but now it felt like Jeremy's brain was being melted. 

"AHHHHHHHH!" He screamed as he ran off with his head in his hands and his body shaking in involuntary spasms. 

'Accessing: neural memory. Accessing: muscle memory. Access procedure: complete. Jeremy Heere...' A familiar woman began to appear right in front of him. 'Welcome to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor... Your SQUIP.' 

Jeremy stared in shock and fear. Not because it had worked but because of what it looked like.

"You... You look like my... Mom..." 

'It's my default mode to look like the female parental unit. Humans seem to trust the female the most, though this does not seem to the case for you.' She (She? He? They?) explained. 'You can also set me as Sean Connery, Jack Nicholson, or Sexy Anime Female.' Jeremy almost puked at the idea of his mother as a sexy anime girl. 

"My mom's good!" He said quickly, she nodded. "Can everyone see you?" 

'I exist only in your mind. All they seems you, having an animated conversation with yourself. So don't do that. Just think at me. Like you're a telepathic.' 

"Like in X-Men?!" Jeremy asked excitedly. 

'I can see this is going to be difficult.' His mother (the SQUIP?) sighed heavily. 'You want to be more chill' 

"You mean cool?" 

'I do not. You see, human social activity is governed by rules and I processing capacity to understand those rules. And pass them onto you.' She explained. 'Like this: Take your hands out of your pockets. Arch your back, puff out your chest. Add some swagger to your gate or you'll look like a masturbator. Fix your posture then the rest.' 

"But I am a masturbator." Jeremy said meekly. 

'We'll fix that.' She said quickly. 'All your nerdiness is ugly.' 

"Nerd? I thought I was more of a geek b- bu-but-"

'All your stammering's a chore.'

"Wh-wh-what?" 

'Your tics and fidgets are persistent. And your charm is non-existent. We'll fix your vibe, then fix some more.' His mother caught his hand as it began to go back into his pocket. 'Buh.'

"Wha-"

'Buh.' 

"Wha-"

'No.' She said sternly, it was the voice she used whenever she was telling him that he was doing something wrong, it made Jeremy flinch.

"AHH!" Jeremy cried. 

'Stop.'

"UHH!" 

'Oh, everything about you is just terrible. Everything about you makes me want to die.' Jeremy felt the sting of the all too familiar words. 

"Jesus Christ." He muttered under his breath, trying to hold back tears. 

'So don't freak out, and don't resist, and I have no doubt if I assist. You will be more chill.' Jeremy felt a shock go up his spine. 

"OW!" He yelped. "Did you just... shock me?" She nodded. 

'Spinal stimulation. You were slouching.' She explained. 'Now, first things first, go buy a new shirt.' 

"What's wrong my-" 

'It's better if you just comply. My job's to color your aesthetic and make you seem less much less pathetic. So just step and fetch, don't ask me why.' They walked into the store together (nothing like shopping with mom!) and began to browse the racks. 'Pick the one.' She ordered, pointing to a white tee shirt.

"It's has a picture of Eminem on it." He said (SQUIP: iT hAs A pIcTuRe Of EmInEm On It!). The woman glared at the teen. 

'If you're so astute, what do you need me for?" She sounded cold and bitter, Jeremy ignored the sad feeling that felt like an elephant sitting on his chest. 

"Do people still listen to Eminem?" He asked. 

'Irrelevant.' She said as she brushed him off. 'My quantum structure enables me to envision possible futures. I envision a future in which you wear an Eminem shirt and things turn out well.' 

"What if someone quizzes me about his music?" 

'My database is infinite and instantaneous.' 

"How are you with math homework?" 

'I'm a super-computer, Jeremy, I'm made of math.' She deadpanned. 'Everything about you is so terrible.' This time Jeremy could of sworn he heard all the other shoppers around him telling him how much he sucks. 'Everything about you makes me wanna die!' He could feel himself shrinking inside. 'All the people in the mall think you are such a slob.' 

"Terrible! Such a slob!" The lady behind him exclaimed. 

'And boy, can I see why.' Jeremy's mother stared up at him with her big disappointed eyes. 'Now you, try picking a shirt.' Jeremy bit his lip and nodded, he picked a dark blue, short sleeve, button up. 'That's a girls shirt.' Jeremy groaned, he bumped right into someone as he went to put it back up. 

"Sorry- OW!" He squeaked. 

'Posture!' His mom reminded him. 

"Jerry?" The person said, Jeremy looked up to see Brooke and Chloe standing in front of him. 

"Jeremy." He corrected with a nervous laugh. 

"You shop here?" Chloe asked. 

"Oh yeah, all the time-" 

'Never.'

"Never. Is what I meant to say..." 

'Greet the beta.' 

"The...? Oh! Hey, Brooke!" 

'You look sexy.' (And other things you never thought your mom would say)

'I can't say that to a hot girl! OW!' Another shock. 

'Don't smile. Stare intensely. Speak like you don't care about your own death.' His mother instructed. 

"Lookin' pretty sexy, Brooke." The blonde girl blushed and pushed back a hair from her face, Jeremy didn't notice Chloe giving him a death glare. 

"Thanks." She said with a shy smile. 

"Is that a girls shirt?" Chloe accused. 

"No!" He exclaimed. 

'Yes.'

"Yes!" 

'Repeat after me.' His mom said. 'I saw it in the window and I couldn't dismiss,'

"I saw it in the window and I couldn't dismiss," Jeremy repeated. 

'I was dating a girl and she had a shirt just like this.' 

"I was dating a girl and she had a shirt just like this." 

'It's still painful.' 

"It's still painful." Jeremy looked up and saw sympathy all over Brooke's face but Chloe didn't seem convinced. 

"So who was this mystery girl?" Chloe asked. Jeremy bit his lip.

"Uh, you've probably never heard of her-" 

'Madeline.' Jeremy wanted to throw up at the idea of dating Madeline (that fake French ass baguette), but he couldn't think of anyone better so he went along with it. 

"Madeline." Chloe's expression immediately went from annoyance to rage. 

"WHAT!?" She exclaimed. 

"She's French." Chloe groaned in disgust. 

"She is not French! She just pretends to be for attention!" Jeremy refrained from high-fiving her. 

"Madeline broke up with you?" Brooke asked. 

"Yeah..." 

'No.' His mother cut in. 

"I mean-" 

'I broke up with her.' 

"I broke up with her!" 

'Because she was cheating on me.' 

"Cuz she was cheating on me!" He said a bit too dramatically, he bit his lip to keep from yelping when he felt a shock go through his spine. 

'Hey Hamlet, be more chill.' His mother demanded. Chloe turned to Brooke, her hands up in the air and exasperation in her voice. 

"What did I tell you?" Chloe said to her (girl)friend. "She's such a slut!" Brooke rolled her eyes at the other girl and gave Jeremy a soft smile. 

"You're better off without her, Jeremy." She said. 

"Obviously!" Chloe exclaimed. "I mean, who does Madeline think she is!? She's so-" Jeremy looked at his mother as Chloe launched into a rant. 

'What just happened?' He asked his mother.

'First off you must stop referring to me as your mother, because I am not her. I am your SQUIP.' Jeremy but his lip but nodded. 'Secondly, a shared negative opinion is the fastest social bond. You want someone to like you, hate who they hate... Though that didn't seem that far of a stretch for you.' Jeremy nodded. 

'Madeline is a bully and wouldn't be able to find a good personality if it looked her in the face.' He thought angrily. 'I've hated her since the 7th grade and I'll hate until the day she apologizes to Michael.'

'Michael... Oh Michael... The boy you think you're in love with.' Jeremy stared at her. 

'No, I'm pretty sure I'm in love with-' Chloe cut off his thought. 

"Ugh, let's get out of here." She said. 

'Brooke is going to offer you a ride.' His mother said. 'It is imperative you accept.' 

"So, Jeremy, do you wanna ride?" Brooke asked, just like the SQUIP said. 

'Yes.' 

"Yes! But... I'm supposed to meet my friend Michael." He said nervously. 

"Oh..." Brooke said disappointedly. 

'Jeremy, if this is going to work you need to do as I instruct.' 

"Jeremy, are you sure you don't wanna ride?" Brooke asked again. 

"Yeah, I'm sure it's not that far away from us." Chloe said with smirk. "Plus you can tell me all of Madeline's dirty secrets." Brooke glared at her (girl)friend. 

"I'm sure it's not that far from is if that's what you're worried about. We just have to stop for some Pinkberry first, if that's not a problem with you." 

"I..." Jeremy was about to say yes when the thought of how worried Michael would be if he had just disappeared. "Next time. I promise." 

"Whatever." Chloe sighed and began to walk off, Brooke looked between him and her (girl)friend. 

"My boyfriend cheated on me too. Ex-boyfriend. So... I know how you feel." 

"Brooke! C'mon!" Brooke rolled her eyes again. 

"I gotta go, the Queen is calling." Jeremy snorted. "Au revoir, Jeremy." She giggled as she ran off. Jeremy smiled and waved at her. 

'Did you see- That was awesome! I've gotta find Michael-'

'Michael has left the mall.' The SQUIP said sternly. 

'How do you know?' Jeremy asked, taken aback. 

'I can access the security cameras.' His SQUIP sighed. 'Jeremy, you can't just listen. You have to obey. Now repeat after me: everything about you is so terrible.' Jeremy felt a lump quickly forming in his throat and tears welling up in his eyes. 

"Everything about me is just terrible." He whimpered. 

'Good!' She said with a smile. 'Everything about you makes me wanna die.' 

"Everything about me makes me wanna die..." He sobbed. 

'Now you've got it!' She exclaimed, lightly clapping her hands as if she was proud of him. 'And now with my help you will finally get everything you've ever wanted.' 

His mother's approval. 

His father's happiness. 

Michael's love. 

Jeremy bit his lip and nodded. 

'With my help you'll be more chill.' She whispered. 

"Be more chill." He replied weakly. 

****

Having the SQUIP was nice and all, except for the fact that she kept asking Jeremy if he was absolutely sure that Michael was the one he wanted. 

'For the millionth time, yes!' He thought/yelled to the SQUIP. 

'You have so many other options, like Christine, or Brooke, or Jenna, or Chloe-' 

'I don't love them though!' Jeremy was truly and utterly exasperated. 'I love Michael! Why does it even matter to you anyways, you're a computer program that's supposed help me achieve what I need.' The woman bit her lip and flicked her eyes away from Jeremy. 

'It's just that getting Michael to fall in love you is going to be a lot of... Work.' She said, a small smirk playing on her lips. 'Getting him to even stay friends with you is going to be a challenge all in its self.' 

'What do you mean?' 

'I mean Michael has been trying to ditch you for years. He's always thought you were a loser and that he was too good for you, he's just been too nice to tell you so.' 

Jeremy felt his heart slowly cracking. Michael wouldn't think that, would he? 

'No... No you're wrong!' He exclaimed. 

'Am I Jeremy?' The SQUIP asked. 'Deep down you know I'm right. You've been holding him back from better things for years. If it weren't for you he would of had way better and cooler friends than you. If it weren't for you he would of already had a boyfriend already. You, Jeremy, are his weakest link.' 

Jeremy could practically hear the sound of his heart shattering into bits and pieces (Thats funny Jerry, I could of sworn I heard myself shattering my own heart too, huh, what a weird coincidence!). Jeremy felt the sting of tears in his eyes. 

'Can you please just leave alone for five seconds, please!' He begged. 

'Of course.' She sighed. 

Michael was his best friend. 

He had been his best friend since kindergarten. 

If he had stopped liking Jeremy at some point he would of told him, right? 

Right? 

Everything he knew that was true about how Michael felt was getting tangled up with his own insecurities. 

He was going into panic and he couldn't calm himself down. 

He needed Michael. He Michael rubbing circles into his back. He needed Michael's warm embrace. He needed Michael to tell that what he was thinking and feeling wasn't the truth. He needed Michael- 

Jeremy looked up and saw his favorite person standing two lockers away from him. 

"Michael!" He sobbed in relief as he ran towards him. His best friend looked at him, rolled his eyes, and began to walk off but before he could managed to get even three steps away Jeremy practically tackled him. 

"What the fu-" 

"It's so fucking good to see you, man." He cried into Michael's hoodie. Michael pushed him away and crossed his arms. 

"Really you haven't been..." Michael stopped. "Jeremy are you crying?" He asked, concern in his voice. Jeremy wiped his cheek with sleeve. 

"I guess I am." He whispered, Michael took his hand and lead him away from the crowds of people coming there way. 

"What happened?" He asked. 

"I... Um-" Michael gasped. 

"It's that SQUIP thing isn't?!" He exclaimed, Jeremy bit his lip and nodded. "What has that thing been doing to you, Jer?" 

'Activating.' A woman's voice said. 

No! NO! Not now! 

'Leave me alone!' He screamed at her. 

'Jeremiah.' Her voice was mean and sharp like it would be when she was extremely angry with him or his dad. 

'Why wasn't I able to see Michael?!' 

'It's called optic nerve blocking.' She said. 'I have been blocking Michael from you're field of vision, just until you're worthy enough of his love.'

"Go away!" He screamed aloud no longer able to keep it in any longer. 

"Jeremy!" Michael sound panicked and scared. "Jeremy what's wrong?!"

'Jeremy all you need to do is upgrade. If you upgrade we can finally fix everything about you.' She grabbed his face and forced him to look at her. 'If you upgrade Michael will love you back.' 

Jeremy's heart stopped. 

'He'll love me back?' 

'Yes!' She exclaimed. 'All you need to do is upgrade.' 

'Upgrade?' 

'Upgrade.' Jeremy flicked his eyes over to Michael, beautiful amazing Michael, if he upgraded he could finally be with him. He could finally be worthy of him. 

'That's all it takes?' The SQUIP nodded. 

'Just say the words and I'll make it happen, Jeremy.' 

"Jeremy, are you okay?" Michael asked, his hand still in Jeremy's. 

He wanted to tell him that he was sorry. He wanted to tell him that he was doing this for him. He wanted to tell him that he loved him. 

He didn't say any of those things. 

"Optic nerve blocking: on." He said quietly. And just like that Michael disappeared before his eyes, Jeremy felt himself sob again. 

'Good,' The SQUIP cooed. 'Now let's get to work.' Jeremy quickly turned away from his friend and walked away. 

****

'You don't want to drink that Jeremy!' The SQUIP yelled as she retained him from lifting the bottle to his lips. 

"Why not!?" He yelled back. 

'Because I understand now! I now understand how I can give you everything you want all at the same time.' As she came closer to him Jeremy tried to back away. 'You see I thought I would have to make you choose.' 

"Make me choose? Wh-what do you mean?" 

'I knew about your mother's issues with homosexuality and I knew that you couldn't have her approval and Michael's love at the same time, so I figured you had to make a choice. But I now know you don't have to!' Jeremy blinked, he could of sworn that her image was shifting. 'You don't have to because I can be everything for you.' Her voice was more masculine and her skin was now darker. Jeremy's heartbeat began to pound in his chest. wasn't his mother anymore, she was Michael. 

Michael was smiling down at him, the same smile he used when they beat a really hard level on a game they had been playing. He was there and he was so warm and nice and so very Michael. Jeremy stopped himself from leaning in to hug him. 

'It's not him.' Jeremy reminded himself. 'It's not Michael.' 

'But I can be him, Jeremy. I look like him, I sound like him, I can even act like him.' Michael- no the SQUIP- leaned down and cupped Jeremy's face in his hands. 'I can make you happy, Jeremy. I can love you.' Jeremy was short of breath and he couldn't think straight. 

'You'll do whatever I want?' Jeremy quietly asked. 

'That's what I promised.' Michael said. Jeremy could feel himself leaning in. He could be so happy. He could have everything. It would be so easy. So easy. 

"JEREMY!" Michael-the real Michael- yelled from across the stage. Jeremy looked up and saw him being trampled by the zombified cast members. "DRINK IT!" Jeremy looked between the real Michael and SQUIP Michael. This wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want some shiny fake Michael, he wanted the real Michael. His Michael. He bit his lip and with a heavy heart unscrewed the cap. 

'Wait.. What are you doing?!' The SQUIP exclaimed. 

"You're not, and will never be, Michael!" Jeremy cried as he poured the last bit of the soda down his throat. All he remembered after that was pain and screaming. 

****

(So this next scene was really hard for me to write because it's based off a real life conversation I had with a friend when I told her I was thinking about a killing myself. She told me that I need to think about the people I would be hurting if I killed myself. How they would blame themselves for not saying the right things or not doing the right things to stop me. 

I have struggled with depression for years and I still am, but it's getting better. And I know it will keep getting better. If you are thinking about ending your life please think about the people you would be hurting if you did. And if you don't think you have anyone who would even notice just know there is always someone who will miss you. You are loved. 

Sorry to get really serious there but I felt like I needed to say something.) 

(Warning for self harm and suicidal thoughts. Ends at ****)

 

It had been two months since the Play. One month since he had talked with Michael. Everything was slowly getting better. Michael and him were in a good place, his dad was being more present, and he even had some new friends. 

But he was having a hard time moving on. He still blamed himself for all the hurt he had caused his friends. He felt awful for the he had treated Brooke (even though they had talked about and she had forgiven him). But most of all he hated himself for leaving Michael. Even if Michael had forgiven him he hadn't forgiven himself. 

One night Jeremy sat in Michael's basement trying to ignore all his problems. He tried ignoring the exhaustion he felt from not sleeping the past few weeks. He tried ignoring the hatred he felt towards himself. He tried to ignore the sting of the fresh cuts that went down his arm. 

'You should of killed yourself.' The dark thoughts of his brain whispered to him. 'You deserve to die. You hurt them. You hurt him. You don't deserve him. You're a monster. You've hurt everyone you've ever loved. You deserve to die. You should kill your-"

"Jeremy?" Michael said as he waved a hand in front of his face. "You okay?" Jeremy blinked himself out his thought and faked a smile. 

"I'm fine." He replied. Michael just stared at him. 

"Don't lie to me Jeremy, I know when something's wrong." Michael bit his lip. "Is the SQUIP back on?" 

"No!" Jeremy said quickly. "I'm just tried that all." Michael glared at him, clearly still not believing him. "I'm fine Micha-" 

"Why are you tired?" Jeremy blinked. 

"What?" 

"You said you were tired so I'm asking you why." 

"I-um.." Jeremy flicked his eyes around the room avoiding Michael's at all cost and forcing tears back. "It's just- it's that-" Michael took his hand.

"Please tell me what's wrong Jeremy." He whispered. Jeremy had to get out of there, he couldn't do this. 

"I- I should go." As he got up Michael caught his wrist and Jeremy let out a hiss. Michael's eyes widened in fear and shock then he slowly rolled Jeremy's sleeve. Jeremy was shaking in fear. 

"When did you start again?" Michael said quietly. 

"A few weeks ago." Jeremy quietly admitted. 

"Why?" Michael was crying now. Jeremy hated himself just a bit more for making him cry. He wanted Michael to be happy but it seemed like all he ever did was make him sad. 

"Because I-" Jeremy stopped the lie that was about to come out of his mouth. Michael didn't deserve anymore lies. "Because I hurt you, I hurt you so I wanted to make myself hurt just as badly." 

"Jer-" 

"I hate myself so much Michael." Jeremy went on, now crying with Michael. "I hate that I hurt you and hurt so many other people. I hate that you forgave me so easily because I don't deserve it! I almost destroyed everything! Everyone should hate me! I should just kill my-" 

"Don't you dare fucking say that Jeremy! That's not you talking, it's your mom and the SQUIP and what they're saying are just a bunch of lies!" Michael sobbed. "They're lies!" 

"No the-"

"Yes they fucking are!" 

"I hurt you Michael!" Jeremy yelled back. 

"Yeah you have! But who hasn't hurt at least someone in their lives?!" Michael ran a hand through his hair. "We've all fucked up Jeremy! I've fucked up so many times! But we can't dwell on the mistakes we've made, that's toxic and it puts thoughts just like the ones you're having! We just have to move on and try to learn from what we've done!" 

"But-" 

"And do you think killing yourself will make it up to me?! No! It will only hurt me more! It would break me if you ever did that to yourself! If you killed yourself I would blame it on myself, what could I have done to stop you?! And what about your dad Jeremy?! Does your dad deserve that?!" Jeremy felt the weight of the situation. 

Silence 

Silence 

Silence 

"I-" Jeremy let out a sob. Michael frantic panic quickly turned to concern as he wrapped his arms around the crying boy. 

"Jeremy I'm sorry." He whispered. "I shouldn't have yelled at yo-" 

"No-" Jeremy said, cutting Michael off. "I needed that." He let go Michael and wiped of his tears away. "I had never thought about it like that." 

"Depression's a bitch." Michael said bitterly. "It clouds your mind and makes all your thoughts dark and scary. It makes you think you're the only one who's going through that kind of hell. It makes you think you're alone and that no one would miss you if you just disappeared. But those are all just lies, Jeremy." Michael cupped his face in his hands and stared deep into his eyes. "You are so fucking loved. You're loved by your dad, and your friends, and my parents and me. And we would all be devastated if we ever lost you." 

"Michael..." Jeremy whimpered as the other boy laced their fingers together.

"It would crush me if I ever lost you, Jer." Michael whimpered. "You're my best friend and I love you so fucking much." Jeremy bit his lip.

"Do you mean it?" 

"Of course." Michael replied with hesitation. 

"Okay." Jeremy said quietly. 

Silence 

Silence 

Silence

Silence 

Silence

"I started going to a therapist." Michael said quietly. "She's helped a lot." 

"That's good." Jeremy said. 

"I think you should go to one." Jeremy felt a surge of fear go through his veins. "You don't have to, but I think it would help." Michael quickly said as soon as he noticed the fear in Jeremy's eyes.

"Y-you really think so?" Michael nodded. 

"At least think about it." Jeremy was afraid- wait no scratch that he was terrified of someone trying to fix him again, but if Michael thought it would help he should at least think about. 

"Okay." He whispered, Michael smiled at him then yawned. 

"All this crying had made me sleepy." He chuckled. "Mind if I take a nap?" Jeremy let a yawn as well. 

"Mind if I join you?" Michael laughed. 

"Not at all." They both climbed up the stairs and then minutes later they were both fast asleep in each others arms. For the first time in weeks Jeremy's slept peacefully. 

 

****

How do you tell the person you're on a date with that you're on love with somebody else? Jeremy had been asking himself this very question his whole entire date with Christine. Now they were walking up to his house and he was really fucking nervous that she was going to want to kiss him. 

'Sorry Christine I can't kiss you because I'm super gay for my best friend! So sorry!' 

He couldn't say that! That would crush her. Jeremy wished he felt that way about her, everything would be so much easier, but he just didn't. He should of told her before they had set up this whole date thing. But he didn't. Now they were walking to his door and he was going to have to- 

"Looks like we're here!" Christine said. Something was different about the tone of her voice, less of her bubbly spirit and more nervous than he had ever heard from her. "I had a lot fun with you." 

"M-m-me too." He stuttered. Jeremy wasn't sure who starting leaning first because his mind was racing with trying to find the best way out this situation. 

Oh shit. 

Oh shit. 

Oh shit!

Right before their lips brushed Christine pulled back. 

"I-um." Jeremy laughed nervously. 

"Yeah- I- um..." Christine sighed and ran a hand through her hair, her eyes looking everywhere but Jeremy. "I'm sorry, I can't do this." She said quietly. Jeremy stood there in a mixture of shock, relief, and confusion. 

"What?" Was all that came out of his mouth. 

"Jeremy, I'm really sorry but I don't think I can do relationships." She bit her lip. "I-I'm not sure what it is but I've just never been interested in dating and I just don't think it's for me, I really hope that makes sense." Jeremy felt a smile grow on his lips. 

"Oh thank god." He said, Christine immediately looked confused. "Sorry, that came wrong! It's just- I'm just-" He knew he was probably bright red and he was so nervous because this would be the first person he would ever admit this aloud to. "I'm in love with Michael." Christine's confusion quickly turned into excitement and giddy. 

"OH MY GOD!" She shouted now jumping up and down on Jeremy's porch. "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! Jeremy that's amazing!" Jeremy looked down trying to hide his embarrassment. 

"Christine calm down, it's not a big deal!"

"Yes it is!" She exclaimed. "You and Michael are like perfect for each other and you guys are going to be so cute together! Oh my god!" 

"Yeah but Michael doesn't like me like back." Jeremy said sadly. 

"Did he tell you that he doesn't?" She asked. 

"Well no-" 

"Then you don't know for sure!" Christine exclaimed. "Jeremy he could be just as crazy about you as you are for him!"

"I don't know Christine-" 

"That's right, you don't know! And you won't know unless you talk to him." She put her hands on her hips and stared him deep in the eyes. "Look Jeremy, I know it's scary but you've gotta tell him." 

"I-I'll think about it." Jeremy said quietly. Christine sighed but it was progress. 

"Just tell me when you're ready." Christine said with a smile. "I'll have your back."

"Thanks Christine." She leaned up and kissed the corner of Jeremy's mouth. 

"No problem Jeremy." She said. Both teens jumped at the sound of a slamming of a door behind them, Jeremy whipped his head around the and saw, what he thought was, Michael in the back of Chloe's car. They both watched as the car drove off into the distance. 

"Michael?" 

 

****

"Hey I made you a new playlist." Michael said as he parked in his best friend's drive way. Jeremy smiled at the other boy, the gesture made his heart race and the butterflies in his stomach soar. 

"I'll listen too it later." Michael smiled back at him and nodded. "Thanks for taking me home." 

"No problem, dude!" Both boys wanted the other to say something. Both boys wanted to tell the other how they felt. 

"I-I hope you have fun tonight..." Jeremy said, sadness quickly taking the place of his happiness and giddy. 

"Yeah..." Michael replied, Jeremy couldn't recognize the other boy's emotion. "I- I'll see you later!" Michael said as he pulled out of the drive way. Jeremy waved goodbye as the other drove off. Once he was out of sight Jeremy made his way into the house and up to his room. He threw his backpack onto the bed and grabbed his headphones. 

Michael made him playlists all the time (he was always trying to get Jeremy some new music to listen too), but that didn't stop him his heart from fluttering every time Michael told him he had made one for him. Just the knowing that Michael had thought about him when he had listened to these songs made him happy. 

Jeremy didn't recognize the first song or the second but did know the third. 

I'm gonna pick up the pieces and build a Lego house If things go wrong we can knock it down

My three words have two meanings, there's one thing on my mind, it's all for you 

And it's dark in the cold of December, but I've got you to keep me warm

If you're broken I will mend ya, and il keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love, I'll pick you up when you're getting down 

And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now

I'm out sight, I'm out of mind, I'll do it all for you in time

And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now 

Jeremy blinked a few times. He had never payed that much attention to the lyrics before, but now he could clearly see himself in them. It was almost like the song was wrote just for him. 

He thought back on the last few months. He thought about how Michael had stood next to him through it all. He thought about Michael should of left him but didn't. 

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love, I'll pick you up when you're getting down 

And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now

I'm out sight, I'm out of mind, I'll do it all for you in time

And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now 

No matter how many mistakes Jeremy had made Michael had stayed with him. Michael was always, and would always, be there for him. 

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love, I'll pick you up when you're getting down 

And out of all these things I've done, I will love you better now 

Jeremy took that last part of the song and made a promise to himself. He would love Michael better now. 

****

"Jeremy?" His dad asked as he opened his son's bedroom door. Jeremy looked up from his phone. 

"Yeah?" 

"Can we talk?" His father asked, he seemed cautious and. Jeremy nodded, a bit shocked. His father was rarely the one who started the hard talks. His dad walked into the room and sat on the bed. 

Jeremy's dad had been doing much better after the SQUIP incident. He had been more present in Jeremy's life, he had been seeing a therapist (Jeremy had took Michael's advice and had started seeing one too. It was going a lot better than he thought it would be.), and he had even been wearing pants. It was getting better. They had even talked a bit about Jeremy's mother and the SQUIP (Jeremy always started those talks). But they still hadn't addressed the mental absence from Jeremy's dad. 

"Jeremy..." His father took a deep breath. "I know I haven't been there for you, and I'm trying to fix that." 

"I know." Jeremy said quietly. "You're doing the best you can dad." 

"But I should of been there." His dad's hands were clenched in his lap and his eyes were brimmed with tears. "I can't help but blame myself for everything that's happened to you. I should of kicked your mother out long before I did. I should of been your dad when I did. I shouldn't..." He wiped away some tears. "I shouldn't of let you float so far away." Jeremy was crying now too. 

"Dad... It's ok-" 

"It's not okay, Jeremy." His father said sternly. "I'm the adult and I shouldn't have let this take over my life. I should of just got over it." 

"Just because you're the adult that doesn't mean you just had to get over it. You're still allowed to be upset about, I mean she was your wife after all." 

"But you are my son and you should of came first." His dad took a deep breath. "I don't want you to be okay with what I did, because it wasn't okay, but I'm going to start making things right from here on out. I'm going to the dad you need." Jeremy looked at his father and saw the man he had grown up with coming back for the first time in years. He rushed forward he hugged his dad. 

"That would be great." He whispered into his shoulder. Once they pulled away and wiped their tears Jeremy's father smiled at him. 

"Do you want to get ice cream like we used to." He asked, Jeremy smiled and nodded. 

 

As the father and son walked home with ice creams in hands Jeremy talked about his friends, and school, and drama club and his father listened a nodded. Just like he used to do. 

"Yeah Christine's really excited that we're doing and is forcing me to watch the movie this weekend." Jeremy said after he told his dad what was going to their spring musical (Hairspray). 

"Wait is Christine the one you're dating?" His dad asked. Jeremy shook his head. 

"We're not together anymore. She figured out that she's aromantic and asexual so we're just friends now." Jeremy quickly noticed his father's confusion. "Being asexual and aromantic just means she doesn't have any desire be in a relationship whatsoever, sexual or romantic." Jeremy explained. His father still looked confused.

"Wait so it doesn't have anything to do with Michael?" His father asked. 

"What? Why would Michael be the reason we broke up?" 

"Because you've been in love with him since the 8th grade." Jeremy choked on his ice cream and his face began to heat up. 

"I don't- I'm not-" His father raised an eyebrow at him. 

"Don't lie to me Jeremy. I know I can be oblivious but I'm not stupid. You love that boy." His dad said bluntly.

"I- I- I just- I'm not-" Jeremy realized that he was going to get out of this so he just let out an exasperated shriek. "Okay yes! I love Michael!" He exclaimed a bit too loudly. 

"Mhm, that's what I thought." His dad chuckled. "So when do you plan on telling him?" 

"Never." 

"Never?" 

"Never." Jeremy confirmed. His dad rolled his eyes. 

"Jeremy don't be ridiculous. You should tell Michael." 

"I'm not being ridiculous, I'm just not ruining my friendship with my best friend." Jeremy said stubbornly.

"You wouldn't ruin your friend by telling. He's your best friend Jeremy, and if he can stick with you for those last few months he'll stick with you through this." 

"Doesn't make it any less scary." The teen mumbled. 

"Well let me make it not scary, Michael feels the same way." 

"No he doesn't." 

"Yes he does." 

"No." 

"Yes." 

"Dad." 

"Son." Jeremy's father sighed. "Listen to me Jeremy, I've known Michael since he still had baby teeth in his mouth and I can tell by the way that boy looks at you that he loves you." 

"Dad-" 

"Don't dad me young man, I know what I'm talking about." Jeremy sighed and ran a hand through his hair. 

"It doesn't matter even if he likes me or not anymore." Jeremy said bitterly. "I've already missed my chance." 

"Why is that?" His dad asked. Jeremy took a deep breath and looked down at the ground. 

"Because Michael has a boyfriend."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me!

**Author's Note:**

> Let my boys be lizard dads!!!! ALSO IM GETTING A LEOPARD GECKO AND IM NAMING IT FRANK SO FUCK YEAH! But yeah anyways it going to be a lot my projecting on to the boys with my own pining so yeah. Fun fact: the whole coming out scene where Jeremy already knew is what happened with my best friend.  
> Me: I'm bi  
> Friend: I knew it!  
> Me: what the hell!


End file.
